faycyber Posted July 7, 2009 Report Share Posted July 7, 2009 To the citizens of the United States of America, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Godon Brown, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: 1. You should look up revocation in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up vocabulary. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up interspersed. There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often. 2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. 3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney,upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as Taggart will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in england. The name of the county is Devon. If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become shires e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire. 4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as Men Behaving Badly or Red Dwarf will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness. 5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through. 6. You should stop playing American football. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American football is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays American football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America.* Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called rounders, which is baseball without the fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs. *QUICK NOTE: Baseball is, in fact, a popular sport in Japan and its surrounding countries. However, as their teams are never invited to partake in the 'World Series', your point still stands.* 7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. 8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in england. It will be called Indecisive Day. 9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. 10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian; though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are actually called crisps. Real chips are thickly cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers. 11. As a sign of penance, 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. This quantity is to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself. 12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all; it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as lager. The substances formerly known as American beer will henceforth be referred to as 'Near-Frozen Knat's Urine,' with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as 'Weak, Near-Frozen Knat's Urine.' This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion. 13. From November 10th, the UK will harmonise petrol (or Gasoline, as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon- get used to it). 14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. 15. Please tell us who killed JFK; it's been driving us crazy. 16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776). Thank you for your co-operation and have a great day. John Cleese (with slight amendments - look it up in the dictionary as you seem unable to understand what this word means either, particularly with reference to your constitution) I love english and I like british accent I studied british english in school.. .... I agree with you about chip ..american football and spelling but I also like something in america and american..... *** MS put british english in MS words now Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stramash Posted July 7, 2009 Report Share Posted July 7, 2009 whose hotter? oh dear lord ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ngairo Posted July 7, 2009 Report Share Posted July 7, 2009 whose hotter? oh dear lord ... Definately Kiwis....we still have 40,000,000 fluffy white things in perfect condition... You'll never see anything finer...... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stramash Posted July 7, 2009 Report Share Posted July 7, 2009 whose hotter? oh dear lord ... Definately Kiwis....we still have 40,000,000 fluffy white things in perfect condition... You'll never see anything finer...... if by perfect condition, you actually mean repeatedly violated, then you are quite correct! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
digitalcat Posted July 7, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 7, 2009 please read through the thread a little bit b4 responding. little bit Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LIEBE Posted July 7, 2009 Report Share Posted July 7, 2009 havent seen who is better than who.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ngairo Posted July 7, 2009 Report Share Posted July 7, 2009 whose hotter? oh dear lord ... Definately Kiwis....we still have 40,000,000 fluffy white things in perfect condition... You'll never see anything finer...... if by perfect condition, you actually mean repeatedly violated, then you are quite correct! No...I mean good looking.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stramash Posted July 7, 2009 Report Share Posted July 7, 2009 whose hotter? oh dear lord ... Definately Kiwis....we still have 40,000,000 fluffy white things in perfect condition... You'll never see anything finer...... if by perfect condition, you actually mean repeatedly violated, then you are quite correct! No...I mean good looking.... 40,000,000 good looking born again virgins??? Don't tell Al Queda!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ngairo Posted July 7, 2009 Report Share Posted July 7, 2009 whose hotter? oh dear lord ... Definately Kiwis....we still have 40,000,000 fluffy white things in perfect condition... You'll never see anything finer...... if by perfect condition, you actually mean repeatedly violated, then you are quite correct! No...I mean good looking.... 40,000,000 good looking born again virgins??? Don't tell Al Queda!! There's no way Al Queda would last the distance....many a good man has tried.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr_Sassy Posted July 7, 2009 Report Share Posted July 7, 2009 No sheep option? nope, MikeAussieGuy & BigDaddyG & Stu_thailand booked this sheep option in 2007, duh! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ngairo Posted July 7, 2009 Report Share Posted July 7, 2009 No sheep option? nope, MikeAussieGuy & BigDaddyG & Stu_thailand booked this sheep option in 2007, duh! I might have a few pics of that somewhere....good old days ahhh??? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faycyber Posted July 7, 2009 Report Share Posted July 7, 2009 both are so hot ... may I have both ? british are nice and fun be friends... most of them look nice... my ex is english .... and i date some english ... I like english cultures and literatures... american are nice to talk to they always think positive.. I like the way they take care of their children... I know only hi-ed english and american ... ...... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maidai Posted July 7, 2009 Report Share Posted July 7, 2009 To the citizens of the United States of America, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Godon Brown, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: Thats funny, but what is more funny, America is the one these days that can either invade and conquer Britian if We wished. Britian is the little ***** across the pond, America is the Big Dog, Britian is America's little "biittches," anything we tell Britian to do, they dont just bend over, they bend over and ask for another, the whole world knows this. 1. You should look up revocation in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Its not us, its your bad teeth that causes the english to pronounce certain words incorrectly. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up vocabulary. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up interspersed. There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often. Our entertainment industry teachers the world how to speak English our way 2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. dont rely on an American Company to correct our own miss fortunes, if not for Microsoft, You english would still using that thing we call a pencil to write things down on 3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney,upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as Taggart will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in england. The name of the county is Devon. If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become shires e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire. English or Australian? there is no difference, England is just a smaller island with more criminals who have bad teeth. 4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as Men Behaving Badly or Red Dwarf will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness. the British Film industry has come a long way, waite there is no British Film industry, all your actors or actress's come to America to try and make it, but end up serving tables and are caste in cheap porn flicks. 5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through. At least we dont have to change our Anthem after the Queen Dies :twisted: what will it be, "God save the Dead Queen?" or "God save the ugly guy with the Big Ears and bad teeth?" 6. You should stop playing American football. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American football is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays American football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America.* Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called rounders, which is baseball without the fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.*QUICK NOTE: Baseball is, in fact, a popular sport in Japan and its surrounding countries. However, as their teams are never invited to partake in the 'World Series', your point still stands.* Hmmm, American football "Superbowl" comes only second to the World Cup of "Soccer" in viewership. pretty good for just an AMeican sport I dont really like baseball myself, but seveal 10 year $250 million contracts for 1 player tells me You ppl are partaking in the wrong sport. 7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. Isnt Manchestor United futball club owned by a Texas Family? they have guns in Texas dude, i wouldnt mess with them, Texas could invade England anyday now. Since they are not allowed to carry guns in England, I think you are screwd," English's" name will be changed to "New Texas." 8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in england. It will be called Indecisive Day.9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. Does Britian even produce any Car's these Days? 10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian; though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are actually called crisps. Real chips are thickly cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers. Sorry Bro, we drink cold beer because we have this think called a refrigerator. let us know if you heard of such a device, it keeps food fresh, not spoiled, maybe that is why your teeth so bad. 11. As a sign of penance, 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. This quantity is to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all; it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as lager. The substances formerly known as American beer will henceforth be referred to as 'Near-Frozen Knat's Urine,' with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as 'Weak, Near-Frozen Knat's Urine.' This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion. No one drinks beer bade in Britian, ppl tend to avoid beer made from gutter runoff.13. From November 10th, the UK will harmonise petrol (or Gasoline, as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon- get used to it).14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. 15. Please tell us who killed JFK; it's been driving us crazy. The Queen killed JFK because he refused to tapp that ass 16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).Thank you for your co-operation and have a great day. John Cleese (with slight amendments - look it up in the dictionary as you seem unable to understand what this word means either, particularly with reference to your constitution) Britian is a little doggy barking at his master, if britian is a good boy, we might help it if Greenland attempts to invade it. :wink: Perhaps, arm the Irish so there will be a greater Ireland Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
digitalcat Posted July 7, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 7, 2009 wow you took something witty and funny and killed it. congrats. well at least you read the whole thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PeeMarc Posted July 7, 2009 Report Share Posted July 7, 2009 Only an American could slaughter great irony in that way... without even realising what irony is. damnit :roll: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
garlic Posted July 7, 2009 Report Share Posted July 7, 2009 here we go...the over the pond war starts again... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stramash Posted July 7, 2009 Report Share Posted July 7, 2009 I deleted this joke the other night but after that pile of smouldering faecal matter, it deserves reprinting. What's the difference between Maidai and English_Bob? One has a huge kn*b (allegedly) One is a huge kn*b. (definitely) I'm not even bothering to go through the tripe you spouted on that post. It was called humour (look it up and please note, it is spelt with 2 'u's not one) It was written by the great John Cleese of Monty Python and Fawlty Towers fame and was meant completely tongue in cheek. It was in no way meant to seriously criticise (again, please note, the correct spelling is '-ise' not 'ize'). I had thought, after your initial outpourings of verbal diorhhea that had no grounding in fact or reality, that after last night's posts you had seemed to reach and maintain a reasonable level of intelligent discourse. Sadly, it was merely a temporary rush of reason to your otherewise addled brain. Although not a big fan of the English, I shall borrow from 19th century gentleman's terminology when I say; "You sir, are an ass." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GoodKarma Posted July 7, 2009 Report Share Posted July 7, 2009 maidai - dude I like you - you are an alright guy in all - I don't get in the way of peoples oppinions- im not even saying that they don't remotely have anything to do with this topic - but are you sure you hit the right link when you posted.. :? :? :shock: 8) ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maidai Posted July 7, 2009 Report Share Posted July 7, 2009 maidai - dude I like you - you are an alright guy in all - I don't get in the way of peoples oppinions- im not even saying that they don't remotely have anything to do with this topic - but are you sure you hit the right link when you posted.. :? :? :shock: 8) ... it is just for laughs ppls, glad some understand its all in fun i mean seriously, we're talking about britian? i could be talking about luxemburg and no one could tell the difference Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stramash Posted July 7, 2009 Report Share Posted July 7, 2009 maidai - dude I like you - you are an alright guy in all - I don't get in the way of peoples oppinions- im not even saying that they don't remotely have anything to do with this topic - but are you sure you hit the right link when you posted.. :? :? :shock: 8) ... it is just for laughs ppls, glad some understand its all in fun the problem was Maidai - the original post, as written by a funny man, was funny. Your reply was about as amusing as being diagnosed with testicular cancer then being in a car crash on the way home. :wink: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PowerPoof Posted July 7, 2009 Report Share Posted July 7, 2009 Can I blend and drink them all? :roll: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maidai Posted July 7, 2009 Report Share Posted July 7, 2009 maidai - dude I like you - you are an alright guy in all - I don't get in the way of peoples oppinions- im not even saying that they don't remotely have anything to do with this topic - but are you sure you hit the right link when you posted.. :? :? :shock: 8) ... it is just for laughs ppls, glad some understand its all in fun the problem was Maidai - the original post, as written by a funny man, was funny. Your reply was about as amusing as being diagnosed with testicular cancer then being in a car crash on the way home. :wink: whatever pra tat tien, i may assume that you were once diagnosed with testicular cancer to know that it is not very amusing. how about that andy murray guy? good show mate, got beat by an american never the less. i dont know how anyone can look up upon any society that fries their food in animal fat and uses animal fat as a spread as though its peanut butter or something. thats nasty. Everyone knows thats at the very least unhealthy. If not for America, Britian would be Nothern Germany. Im sure you brits would of like eating German Sausage. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stramash Posted July 7, 2009 Report Share Posted July 7, 2009 maidai - dude I like you - you are an alright guy in all - I don't get in the way of peoples oppinions- im not even saying that they don't remotely have anything to do with this topic - but are you sure you hit the right link when you posted.. :? :? :shock: 8) ... it is just for laughs ppls, glad some understand its all in fun the problem was Maidai - the original post, as written by a funny man, was funny. Your reply was about as amusing as being diagnosed with testicular cancer then being in a car crash on the way home. :wink: whatever pra tat tien, i may assume that you were once diagnosed with testicular cancer to know that it is not very amusing. how about that andy murray guy? good show mate, got beat by an american never the less. i dont know how anyone can look up upon any society that fries their food in animal fat and uses animal fat as a spread as though its peanut butter or something. thats nasty. Everyone knows thats at the very least unhealthy. If not for America, Britian would be Nothern Germany. Im sure you brits would of like eating German Sausage. Once again, your post is reactive and shows both a lack of any real grasp of reality or fact. Please in future think about what you are typing befor pressing the 'submit' button. You do yourself no favours with the faecal matter you view as a response. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PeeMarc Posted July 7, 2009 Report Share Posted July 7, 2009 maidai - dude I like you - you are an alright guy in all - I don't get in the way of peoples oppinions- im not even saying that they don't remotely have anything to do with this topic - but are you sure you hit the right link when you posted.. :? :? :shock: 8) ... it is just for laughs ppls, glad some understand its all in fun the problem was Maidai - the original post, as written by a funny man, was funny. Your reply was about as amusing as being diagnosed with testicular cancer then being in a car crash on the way home. :wink: whatever pra tat tien, i may assume that you were once diagnosed with testicular cancer to know that it is not very amusing. how about that andy murray guy? good show mate, got beat by an american never the less. i dont know how anyone can look up upon any society that fries their food in animal fat and uses animal fat as a spread as though its peanut butter or something. thats nasty. Everyone knows thats at the very least unhealthy. If not for America, Britian would be Nothern Germany. Im sure you brits would of like eating German Sausage. this is a windup right? You dont actually believe and say these kind of things in bars do you? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maidai Posted July 7, 2009 Report Share Posted July 7, 2009 i do what i can dude. good day mate Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.