Dirty jokes

[iBatch]

[Stramash]

I entered the BBC3 "Move like Michael Jackson" competition but I was eliminated in the early stages.

It would appear that the judges weren't looking for an act who simply comes on stage and fucks an effigy of Macaulay Culkin.

:wink:

[Stramash]

A man walks into a pharmacy. He say's he's looking for a box of tampons. The assistant directs him. He returns with huge bag of cottonballs and string. She says, I thought you were looking for some tampons. He answers, 'You see, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and rollingpapers, cause it's soooo much cheaper. So,if I have to roll my own so does she.

[DANNO]

A man walks into a pharmacy. He say's he's looking for a box of tampons. The assistant directs him. He returns with huge bag of cottonballs and string. She says, I thought you were looking for some tampons. He answers, 'You see, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and rollingpapers, cause it's soooo much cheaper. So,if I have to roll my own so does she.

LOL :thumbleft: so many ways to use this analogy!

[digitalcat]

anal-o®gy

a dash and r can make such a difference

[Stramash]

A man walks into a bar grinning from ear to ear. He orders three vodkas, 2 malt whiskies and a triple rum.

The drinks are all lined up on the bar, then he downs them all straight away.

"Hey, whats the big ocasion?" asks the barman.

"I've just had my first blow job," replies the man.

"Oh, right, was it okay?"

"It will be once I get rid of the taste."

Facebook Group - 'treat a lady like you treat your X-box'

So, shove things in its rear slots, only bother with it when you're in the mood, and play with it untill you get bored, or it gets too hot and its ring goes red!!

[Admin_2]

Hmmm I would think that is awesome as a job!

But what did those poor girls say to get that attention......"yes, you can help me by touching me there. Don't forget to strategically place your fingers on my twxxxxt!" :shock:

Nonetheless I'll be sending my application for TF Yoga Instructor through shortly!

I highly doubt that your nipples would pass the test.

Kunny will be the judge of that.

[iBatch]

Hmmm I would think that is awesome as a job!

But what did those poor girls say to get that attention......"yes, you can help me by touching me there. Don't forget to strategically place your fingers on my twxxxxt!" :shock:

Nonetheless I'll be sending my application for TF Yoga Instructor through shortly!

I highly doubt that your nipples would pass the test.

Kunny will be the judge of that.

I can judge better if carz79 DARE to tear that shirt apart. And lets us see his man boob

For now i hold my Guinness record for Japamerican's pinky Nipples.

[LakeGeneve]

Hmmm I would think that is awesome as a job!

But what did those poor girls say to get that attention......"yes, you can help me by touching me there. Don't forget to strategically place your fingers on my twxxxxt!" :shock:

Nonetheless I'll be sending my application for TF Yoga Instructor through shortly!

It is a great job, my first yoga instructor started yoga to meet women and was dating all the time - he met his wife at yoga.

Just don't forget that there are men in the class , so you'll be placing your hands on some guys groins as well!

[iBatch]

[olympos]

Kunny, as always, you are as funny as a barrel of monkeys :D

[biachung]

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station. After dropping the car off, the penguin decides to take a walk around town.

He sees an ice cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big cone with a double-scoop of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat, but having no hands he is forced to make a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.

After finishing his ice cream, he goes to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, "It looks like you've blown a seal."

"No, no, it's just ice cream, I swear!"

A little indian boy asks his father "Papa how did your father name you?" "Well son when my mother gave birth to me my father came out of Tee Pee and saw a big black bear, so he named me Big Black Bear." The boy continued."So what of my two sisters names?" "Well son when your first sister was born I went out of Tee Pee and saw a little white dove so I named her Little White Dove. When your second sister was born I came out from the Tee Pee and saw a herd of deer grazing so I named her Grazing Deer. Why do you ask Two Dogs F*%king?

[iBatch]

How are women and tornadoes alike?

They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.

[iBatch]

There are four kinds of sex :

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "**** YOU"

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer **** you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.

[iBatch]

A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a camp fire one night. The dog says, "My life sucks, my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrent!". The cat says, "I don't think so, my master makes me do my business in a box of cat litter." The penis outraged, says "At least your master doesn't put a bag over your head and make you do push ups until you throw up!"

[iBatch]

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

[Admin_2]

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

[iBatch]

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde

female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the

mailbox.

She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed

back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box

and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the

house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out

again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed

harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?'

To which she replied, 'There certainly is!'

(Are you ready? This is a beauty...)

'My stupid computer keeps saying,

'YOU' VE GOT MAIL!'

[iBatch]

[iBatch]

[iBatch]

[Stramash]

A student of criminal psychology decides to do his thesis on people who sexually abuse animals, and in particular, men who shag sheep. He takes a flight to Australia, and meets a sheep farmer and, amongst other things, asks him how he actually has sex with the sheep.

"Well its quite simple, cobber - you grab the bastard by the tail, hold tight and slip your cock in."

The student later travels to New Zealand and asks a farmer there the same question.

"Ah, we're with the Aussie jokers on that one - grab it by the tail, hold on and **** it from behind."

Finally, the student goes to Wales and asks a farmer there how he does it.

"Well it's bloody awkward, see - first you find your sheep, then you finds a stone wall, then you grabs the sheep by the front paws, bend its back over the wall and fucks it like that."

The Student replies "Why don't you **** it from behind like they do in Australia and New Zealand?"

"**** it from behind? How am I supposed to kiss it?"

A lady who lived on a hill

Used dynamite sticks for a thrill

They found her vagina

In North Carolina

And bits of her **** in Brazil

This is a letter sent to Dear Deirdre of the Sun newspaper;

I am a sailor in the merchant navy. My parents live in South London and one of my sisters, who lives in Brixton is married to a guy from Liverpool.

My mother and father have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my two sisters who are prostitutes. I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Wormwood Scrubs for the rape and murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other is currently being held in Wandsworth on charges of incest on his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who is still a part time 'working girl' in a brothel, however her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancé utilizing her knowledge of the industry working as a manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would at least get them off the streets, and hopefully the heroin.

My problem is this: I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into the family, and of course I want to be totally honest with her.

Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being a scouser?

[olympos]

A student of criminal psychology decides to do his thesis on people who sexually abuse animals, and in particular, men who shag sheep. He takes a flight to Australia, and meets a sheep farmer and, amongst other things, asks him how he actually has sex with the sheep.

"Well its quite simple, cobber - you grab the bastard by the tail, hold tight and slip your cock in."

The student later travels to New Zealand and asks a farmer there the same question.

"Ah, we're with the Aussie jokers on that one - grab it by the tail, hold on and f*ck it from behind."

Finally, the student goes to Wales and asks a farmer there how he does it.

"Well it's bloody awkward, see - first you find your sheep, then you finds a stone wall, then you grabs the sheep by the front paws, bend its back over the wall and fucks it like that."

The Student replies "Why don't you f*ck it from behind like they do in Australia and New Zealand?"

"f*ck it from behind? How am I supposed to kiss it?"

A lady who lived on a hill

Used dynamite sticks for a thrill

They found her vagina

In North Carolina

And bits of her **** in Brazil

This is a letter sent to Dear Deirdre of the Sun newspaper;

I am a sailor in the merchant navy. My parents live in South London and one of my sisters, who lives in Brixton is married to a guy from Liverpool.

My mother and father have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my two sisters who are prostitutes. I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Wormwood Scrubs for the rape and murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other is currently being held in Wandsworth on charges of incest on his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who is still a part time 'working girl' in a brothel, however her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancé utilizing her knowledge of the industry working as a manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would at least get them off the streets, and hopefully the heroin.

My problem is this: I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into the family, and of course I want to be totally honest with her.

Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being a scouser?

You are the only member on TF which don't need to acknowledge the sources, isnt it?

[Stramash]

A student of criminal psychology decides to do his thesis on people who sexually abuse animals, and in particular, men who shag sheep. He takes a flight to Australia, and meets a sheep farmer and, amongst other things, asks him how he actually has sex with the sheep.

"Well its quite simple, cobber - you grab the bastard by the tail, hold tight and slip your cock in."

The student later travels to New Zealand and asks a farmer there the same question.

"Ah, we're with the Aussie jokers on that one - grab it by the tail, hold on and f*ck it from behind."

Finally, the student goes to Wales and asks a farmer there how he does it.

"Well it's bloody awkward, see - first you find your sheep, then you finds a stone wall, then you grabs the sheep by the front paws, bend its back over the wall and fucks it like that."

The Student replies "Why don't you f*ck it from behind like they do in Australia and New Zealand?"

"f*ck it from behind? How am I supposed to kiss it?"

A lady who lived on a hill

Used dynamite sticks for a thrill

They found her vagina

In North Carolina

And bits of her **** in Brazil

This is a letter sent to Dear Deirdre of the Sun newspaper;

I am a sailor in the merchant navy. My parents live in South London and one of my sisters, who lives in Brixton is married to a guy from Liverpool.

My mother and father have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my two sisters who are prostitutes. I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Wormwood Scrubs for the rape and murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other is currently being held in Wandsworth on charges of incest on his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who is still a part time 'working girl' in a brothel, however her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancé utilizing her knowledge of the industry working as a manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would at least get them off the streets, and hopefully the heroin.

My problem is this: I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into the family, and of course I want to be totally honest with her.

Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being a scouser?

You are the only member on TF which don't need to acknowledge the sources, isnt it?

em, since when does anyone reference the source of jokes?

News articles, quotes and song lyrics are waaaaaay different as they will have a specific source, while jokes, unless by famous comedians, are never referenced.

[olympos]

A student of criminal psychology decides to do his thesis on people who sexually abuse animals, and in particular, men who shag sheep. He takes a flight to Australia, and meets a sheep farmer and, amongst other things, asks him how he actually has sex with the sheep.

"Well its quite simple, cobber - you grab the bastard by the tail, hold tight and slip your cock in."

The student later travels to New Zealand and asks a farmer there the same question.

"Ah, we're with the Aussie jokers on that one - grab it by the tail, hold on and f*ck it from behind."

Finally, the student goes to Wales and asks a farmer there how he does it.

"Well it's bloody awkward, see - first you find your sheep, then you finds a stone wall, then you grabs the sheep by the front paws, bend its back over the wall and fucks it like that."

The Student replies "Why don't you f*ck it from behind like they do in Australia and New Zealand?"

"f*ck it from behind? How am I supposed to kiss it?"

A lady who lived on a hill

Used dynamite sticks for a thrill

They found her vagina

In North Carolina

And bits of her **** in Brazil

This is a letter sent to Dear Deirdre of the Sun newspaper;

I am a sailor in the merchant navy. My parents live in South London and one of my sisters, who lives in Brixton is married to a guy from Liverpool.

My mother and father have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my two sisters who are prostitutes. I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Wormwood Scrubs for the rape and murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other is currently being held in Wandsworth on charges of incest on his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who is still a part time 'working girl' in a brothel, however her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancé utilizing her knowledge of the industry working as a manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would at least get them off the streets, and hopefully the heroin.

My problem is this: I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into the family, and of course I want to be totally honest with her.

Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being a scouser?

You are the only member on TF which don't need to acknowledge the sources, isnt it?

em, since when does anyone reference the source of jokes?

News articles, quotes and song lyrics are waaaaaay different as they will have a specific source, while jokes, unless by famous comedians, are never referenced.

Who made this new rule, not to acknowledge the source from where the text of anything got copied??? :roll: