JanisK Posted January 15, 2011 Report Share Posted January 15, 2011 Two guys were walking home one late night when they saw a dog licking his balls. Admiringly, one of the guys said: "Oh, I wish I could do that!" to which his friend replied: "You'd better check so he doesn't bite." ------------------------------------------ Two other guys were having a late night at the pub, and eventually, inevitably, the discussion came to sex. One guy slurringly told the his friend how he lately had become so desperate that he started doing dogs. Disgusted his friend said :"Eeeew, how low can you get????" "Well", the guy replied, " about as low as a dachshund." Stramash 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
koolbreez Posted January 16, 2011 Report Share Posted January 16, 2011 A Russian and a Redneck wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the Redneck wrestler's trainer came to him and said 'Now,don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished.' The redneck nodded in acknowledgment. As the match started, the Redneck and the Russian circled each other several times,looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Redneck and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen. Suddenly,there was a Long, High Pitched Scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Redneck collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match. The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone,he asked 'How did you ever get out of that hold ? No one has ever done it before !' The wrestler answered 'Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.' The trainer exclaimed 'That's what finished him off ?' 'Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts' ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
koolbreez Posted January 16, 2011 Report Share Posted January 16, 2011 A farmer stopped by the local garage to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at HomePro and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the market and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the market he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home. While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to Church Lane ?' The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to the lane I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.' The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?' 'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.' The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me... How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?' The farmer said, 'Jesus lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?' The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Admin_2 Posted January 18, 2011 Report Share Posted January 18, 2011 Not dirty and certainly not a joke, but I'm living on the edge today. "My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met." Rodney Dangerfield. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iBatch Posted March 4, 2011 Report Share Posted March 4, 2011 Touch it gently, put two fingers inside, if it's wide use three fingers, make sure it's wet & rub up & down. Yep that's how ya wash a cup..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stramash Posted March 4, 2011 Report Share Posted March 4, 2011 The Man United fan who appeared on the show 'Embarrassing Bodies' was delighted to find out the red rash around his **** was only his sisters lipstick. A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?" "Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man." "Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy. He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iBatch Posted May 12, 2011 Report Share Posted May 12, 2011 This couple had been dating for about six months, but the guy had been afraid to make any sexual advances because of his tiny organ. Finally one night, he gets up his courage, and takes her to a secluded spot in his car. While they are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his penis. "No thanks," the girl says. "You know I don't smoke." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stramash Posted May 16, 2011 Report Share Posted May 16, 2011 I met a girl in a nightclub and told her 'I'm going to **** you in my bedroom, my bathroom, my kitchen and my lounge when we get back to mine'. She replied, 'Wow, let's go, it's good to find a man with such stamina these days'. For some reason she didn't seem too impressed when we finally got to the caravan. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kaunitz Posted May 29, 2011 Report Share Posted May 29, 2011 A girl approaches her father and asks for the car for the weekend. So daddy replies: "That's ok! And it will make one blow job!". So the girl starts whining if this is really necessary but her dad insists: "You know the rules of this house my dear and they say that borrowing the car is a blowjob". So the girl does the necessary. After finishing, she says: "Dad, your pr*ck tastes like **** today!" and the father replies: "Oh, damn, I completely forgot - for this weekend I promised the car already to your brother!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kaunitz Posted May 29, 2011 Report Share Posted May 29, 2011 Brother and sister are having sex with each other and after finishing, the girl says: "Wooow, you are far better in bed than daddy!" And the boy replies: "Yep, that's exactly what mum is always saying, too!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GoodKarma Posted May 29, 2011 Report Share Posted May 29, 2011 Not really a dirty one..but funny Osama's last FB status update was BRB "someones knocking at the door" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kaunitz Posted June 7, 2011 Report Share Posted June 7, 2011 Up to you to decide! [ATTACH=CONFIG]115850[/ATTACH] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iBatch Posted June 8, 2011 Report Share Posted June 8, 2011 (edited) Blowjob Etiquette (by a female) 1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it. 2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful. 3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face. 4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow. 5. My ears are NOT handles. 6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your**** 7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart. 8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like **** so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now. 9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls - if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol. 10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you. 11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future. 12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude. 13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content. 14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV. 15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag. 16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning". A Man's thoughts on Fellatio aka Rebuttal Etiquette (by a male) 1. First of all, yes you're obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier and dirtier) who will. 2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish. 3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you? 4. I will use your ears as I see fit. don't worry about it and be thankful I'm not pulling your hair. 5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from ****ing and moaning. Suck it up! 6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get. trust me. 7. You **** about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the stick in flavor country. 8. At least there is no danger of a****bleeding in your mouth. 9. Play with the balls. 10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better. 11. Caress the ass, too. We like that! 12. Make hay when the sun shines. it's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old & fat and looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep". 13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you? Edited June 8, 2011 by iBatch Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iBatch Posted June 8, 2011 Report Share Posted June 8, 2011 Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom! I have someone for you to meet." Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont. Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit. Looking her over he asked, "Why the black panties?" She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning." He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following night was the same--she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom. She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?" He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iBatch Posted June 8, 2011 Report Share Posted June 8, 2011 A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the ladies' bowling league, honey," he says. "We share lanes with them." A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says, "Hi, Davey! Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book. The cabbie turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real b**ch tonight, Dave." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iBatch Posted June 8, 2011 Report Share Posted June 8, 2011 Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking. Maude: What in the hell is that? Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Maude: Where did you get it? Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore. The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers. "Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel." The pharmacist fainted. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stramash Posted June 8, 2011 Report Share Posted June 8, 2011 I don't tell sexist jokes at parties any more. They're too complicated for women. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kaunitz Posted June 8, 2011 Report Share Posted June 8, 2011 I don't tell sexist jokes at parties any more.They're too complicated for women. I think that's the dirtiest one of all up to now ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stramash Posted June 8, 2011 Report Share Posted June 8, 2011 As I was leaving the theatre tonight, I walked past a pretty young girl who said, "Blow job for a tenner?" Just my ******* luck... I'm a baritone. My wife took a restraining order out on me stating that I was mentally unstable. I immediately wrote a sternly worded letter protesting my innocence. Unfortunately I couldn't find a pen so I wrote it on the wall in my own ****. An Indian tracker is taking some pioneers through the plains in the mid-1800s. Suddenly he stops and points. "Bear have babies." He says. One of the younger pioneers runs up and asks, "How'd you know that?." "I know these things," replied the Indian. They continue their journey, and a little while later the Indian stops, points, and says, "deer tracks." "How'd you know that?" asks the young pioneer once again. "I know these things." After another hour of journeying, the Indian jumps of his horse and puts his ear to the ground. "Buffalo come." "How'd you know that!?" "Ear wet." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iBatch Posted June 9, 2011 Report Share Posted June 9, 2011 New sex position: "Bull Riding". Place your Girlfriend on all 4s, get on top & while doing her, wisper anther girl's name then see how long you can stay on top. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stramash Posted June 10, 2011 Report Share Posted June 10, 2011 My girlfriend just texted me saying "I want you to get me wet when I get home ;)". I've got 15 water balloons ready... I can't wait. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kaunitz Posted June 10, 2011 Report Share Posted June 10, 2011 I hate eBay! Just bought a penis enlarger for $350 and they sent me a f*cking magnifying glass! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StevieJR Posted June 11, 2011 Report Share Posted June 11, 2011 What do you call a Russian virgin?..........Geronya Bakyabitch Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stramash Posted June 11, 2011 Report Share Posted June 11, 2011 What do you call a Russian virgin?..........Geronya Bakyabitch What do you call an unfunny Scotsman? Steven Reilly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thunderchild1 Posted June 11, 2011 Report Share Posted June 11, 2011 Micky & Minnie Mouse ended up in the Divorce Court. The Judge said, "Minnie why do you want to divorce Micky"? Minnie replied "Micky said that i was ugly" Micky jumped up and said "Thats a lie, all I said was that you were ******* Goofy" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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