English_Bob Posted October 20, 2008 Report Share Posted October 20, 2008 The only people you DIDN'T offend are the Scots.... Let me try... The Scots men aren't getting any either, just in case the woman asks for house-keeping money.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
English_Bob Posted October 20, 2008 Report Share Posted October 20, 2008 Scottish Jokes How many Scotsmen does it take to change a light bulb? Och! It's no that dark! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Scotsman walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand. The Scotsman man shouts ' Awa ye feel hoor that's full O' coos Sharn' (Don't drink the water, it's full of cow s ** t.) The man shouts back 'I'm English, Speak English, I don't understand you'. The Scotsman man shouts back 'Use both hands, you'll get more in.' ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It was a terrible winter ? three months of unbroken blizzards. McTavish hadn?t been seen in the village for weeks, so a Red Cross rescue team struggled to his remote croft at the head of the glen. It was completely buried ? only the chimney was showing. ?McTavish,? they shouted down the chimney. ?Are you there?? ?Wha?s that?? came the answer. ?It?s the Red Cross,? they called. ?Go away,? shouted McTavish. ?I bought a flag last year!? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stramash Posted October 20, 2008 Report Share Posted October 20, 2008 The only people you DIDN'T offend are the Scots....Let me try... The Scots men aren't getting any either, just in case the woman asks for house-keeping money.. oh you can do better than that Dave!!! We didnt get stranded cos we were too tight to spend the money on a cruise!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
English_Bob Posted October 20, 2008 Report Share Posted October 20, 2008 oh you can do better than that Dave!!! We didnt get stranded cos we were too tight to spend the money on a cruise!!! How about.... "The Scotsmen committed suicide after realising they'd paid for a return ticket."? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stramash Posted October 20, 2008 Report Share Posted October 20, 2008 Q - How many englishman does it take to stop a train? A - NOT ENOUGH One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. The proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Scotsman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The Irishman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Englishman too , picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, YOU BA**ARD!!!!" How can you tell an Englishman is sexually excited? By the stiff upper lip. The pope is visting a beach in Wales when he sees a hapless man wearing an English Rugby jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a twenty foot shark. At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Welsh Rugby Shirts roared into view from around the point. One of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the shark's ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Englishman from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death. They bundled the bleeding, semi conscious man into the speed boat along with the dead shark and then prepared for a hasty retreat, before they saw the pope beckoning them to him Upon them reaching the shore the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there were some racist xenophobic people trying to divide Wales and England, but now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of racial harmony and could serve as a model on which other nations could follow." He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust. As he departed, the harpoonist asked the others, "Who was that then?" "That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom." "Well," the harpoonist replied, "he knows nowt about shark hunting, is that bait holding up or do we need to get another one?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
English_Bob Posted October 20, 2008 Report Share Posted October 20, 2008 One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. The proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Scotsman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The Irishman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Englishman too , picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, YOU BA**ARD!!!!" Loved the shark fishing joke... but the one above? You just changed the English guy for the Scottish guy!!! Two Ronnies newscasters.... Corbett; A recent study has discovered what Scotsmen do with old razor blades.... Barker;.... they shave with them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stramash Posted October 20, 2008 Report Share Posted October 20, 2008 right, let's join forces and pick on the Welsh... What do you call a sheep in Wales? A sperm bank What do you call 3 sheep tied to a pole in wales? A leisure centre What do you call a man with a sheep under each arm in wales? The local pimp Two welsh sheep herders are flying the herd to a new farm. Suddenly, the engine fails and the plane begins to fall quickly to the ground. SH1: Quick! Grab a parachute and jump! SH2: What about the sheep?!? SH1: Fu*k the sheep!!!! SH2: (pause) Do you think we have time? Why do Welsh sheep farmers like to screw sheep on the edge of cliffs? Because they push back so nicely PRESS RELEASE: Hospitals right across Wales are getting ready for a birth explosion this coming Xmas and are already trying to recruit extra medical staff to cope. "It's is a worrying side effect of foot and mouth, with the country side closed off and so many dead sheep, our women are bound to be getting a bit more attention" said Gwyn Lloyd Jones of South Glamorgan Health Trust. The UFWWL (Ugly Fat Welsh Women's League) has reported that they are overjoyed with the situation and are campaigning for a stop to sheep farming in Wales for good. "It's wonderful. All the women in our village are getting some at the moment", said a 25 year old fat Welsh munter. TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING WELSH 1. You've got to be having a laugh, haven't you? Following complaints made to the IRB about the All Blacks being allowed to motivate themselves by performing the 'Haka' before their games, other nations were asked to suggest pre-match rituals of their own. The IRB Rugby World Cup 2003 Organising Committee has now agreed to the following pre-match displays d.. With regret, unfortunately the Committee were unable to accept the Welsh suggestion following strong representations from the RSPCA and the Lamb Marketing Board.. .. The French will declare they have new scientific evidence that the opposition are in fact all mad. They will then park lorries across the halfway line, let sheep loose in the opposition half (much to the delight of the Welsh) and burn the officials Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alan675 Posted October 21, 2008 Report Share Posted October 21, 2008 Men never listen as they never care about anything but themselves, you guys are crap :evil: Sorry, I didn't hear you..... can you repeat what you said pls? See what I bloody mean?!?! :evil: You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll ask: "What's my favourite flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening...Self-raising?" :wink: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
grezzzy_greer Posted October 21, 2008 Report Share Posted October 21, 2008 Actually it was a very good read - entertaining and made some very good points. The results are based on real research too. I think one problem is that women have the kind of mind that remembers every detail of a conversation for example, whereas a man remembers the general context and (usually) the outcome. Men remember other things because those things have relevance in their day to day life, whereas exactly what word order was used in a conversation is not terribly important - just the result. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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