Dirty jokes

[iBatch]

Two sperms talking to each other the first say

"when I develop I will become a doctor", the second says "when I develop I'll be an engineer for sure".

The man goes in the toilet and shags off, they both say "idiot, he destroyed our career."

[iBatch]

Unmarried girl got pregnant, went to insurance office for claim.

Officer: Ur policy covers sickness, accident not pregnancy!

Girl: It was an accident..

[iBatch]

Boy: MoM! why i am bLack and you are white?

MoM: Listen son! considering aLL the crazy things i did years ago, you shouLd be thankfuL that you are not barking...!

[Admin_2]

A man tells his wife that he’s going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it’s closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beers and the next thing he knows he’s in this girl’s apartment having sex with her.

Hours go by and suddenly he realizes is’s almost 3am. “Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!” he exclaimed. “Quick give me some talcum powder!” She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he gets home his wife is up waiting for him and she’s furious. “Where the hell have you been?”

He says, “Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her.” “Let me see your hands!” she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.

“Damn liar, you were out bowling again!”

*********************

A bear and a bunny are sitting in a forest taking a shit. The bear leans over to the bunny and asks “Do you ever have the problem of shit sticking to your fur?”

The bunny says “No, I don’t think so.” So the bear grabs the bunny and wipes his ass.

[alan675]

If a woman is uncomfortable watching you wank, do you think:

a. You need more time together ?

b. She's a f*cking prude ?

c. She should have sat somewhere else on the bus ?

[Admin_2]

A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to writewith it. Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, “Well that’s great, just great… some asshole’s got my pen!”

***********************

As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time they have sex the husband puts his pocket change into a china piggy bank on the bedside table. One night while fooling around and being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocks the piggy bank onto the floor where it smashes.

To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there are handfuls of five and ten dollar bills. He asks his wife “What’s up with all the notes?” to which his wife replies, “Well, not everyone is as cheap as you are.”

[English_Bob]

A guy is drowning his sorrows in a bar... just two seats away is a beautiful girl crying into her drink.

He starts up a conversation with her and discovers she is brokenhearted after her boyfriend dumped her.

She tells him, "He didn't want to stay with me 'cos I'm too kinky."

"Wow," said the guy, "That's exactly why my girlfriend broke up with me! Why don't we go back to your place and get a little kinky?"

The girl agrees and 20 minutes later they are back in her room.

"I'll just go and change into something a little sexier." Says the girl and disappears into the bedroom.

10 minutes later she returns in a latex basque and thigh high patent leather boots. But the guy is putting on his hat and coat and walking out the door...

"Hey!" She said, "I thought we were going to get a bit kinky!"

The guy replied, "Lady, I f**ked your dog and **** in your purse... I'm out of here!"

[amarone]

A woman walk into the docs office and complaints about her sexlife

My husband doesnt want to do it anymore

doc:well give him these blue pills and I am sure he is going to come around

woman: oh no thats not possible my husband never eat any pills what so ever

doc: well crush them and slip them into his coffee

woman:thats a good idea I will try that

A week late the doc meets the woman so he asks her how it went

woman:it was a dissaster

doc:sorry to hear that didnt it work,didnt he want to have sex with you?

woman: oh yes I slipped the pills into his coffe and 25min later he walked over to my side of the table threw me on the table ripped my clothes off and f*cked me like never before

doc a bit surprised: well wasent that what you wanted wasent the sex good

woman:oh yes the sex was fantastic but I will never be able to show my face at starbucks again

[Mikee_Moose]

Let me see if I've got this right…

IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD LABOR.

IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU ARE DETAINED INDEFINITELY.

IF YOU CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU GET SHOT

IF YOU CROSS THE SAUDI ARABIAN BORDER ILEGALLY YOU WILL BE JAILED.

IF YOU CROSS THE CHINESE BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU MAY NEVER BE HEARD FROM AGAIN.

IF YOU CROSS THE VENEZUELAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE BRANDED A SPY AND YOUR FATE WILL BE SEALED.

IF YOU CROSS THE CUBAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE THROWN INTO POLITICAL PRISON TO ROT.

IF YOU CROSS THE THAI BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU ARE IMMEDIATELY DEPORTED AFTER A SPELL IN THE MONKEY HOUSE.

IF YOU CROSS THE BRITISH BORDER ILLEGALLY; YOU GET A JOB, A DRIVERS LICENSE, SOCIAL INSURANCE CARD, MONEY FROM SOCIAL SECURITY, FOOD STAMPS, CREDIT CARDS, SUBSIDIZED RENT OR A LOAN TO BUY A HOUSE, FREE EDUCATION AND FREE HEALTH CARE.

[English_Bob]

A woman is preparing a huge dinner party for all her friends.

Suddenly she realises she has no escargot!! Disaster!!

She says to her husband, "I've got to rush down town and by some snails for the dinner party - you need to watch the sauces and keep stirring the pans."

The guy says, "I can't cook, Honey... but I can go and buy the snails."

The wife hesitates and then says, "Well OK... but don't go to the pub again... I need those snails back here ASAP."

So the guy goes into town and buys a bag of snails. But on the way back he stops in the pub for a beer... and another and another.

Finally he staggers home, four hours late completely pissed.

As he walks up the garden path he sees his wife opening the front door!!

Knowing how angry she will be he, he rips open the bag of snails and tosses them onto the path in front of him.

His wife rips open the door with a face like thunder....

The guy bends down over the snails and shouts, "C'mon boys! Nearly there now!"

[Mikee_Moose]

Rodney Rude at his very best

>Politically incorrect!!!!

Zebu, a half blind five year old south African orphan, has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no

brakes.

Give just small donation of 2 dollars and we'll send you the video, it's f#*king hilarious....

'

Hilarious !! I just pi*sed myself laughing. I must have a really sick sense of humour.

[johnnyforeigner]

Two nuns riding bicycles down a cobbled street. One turns to the other and says "I've never come this way before. Have you?"

[Stramash]

For those who don't know what Victoria's Secret is, David Beckham has a tiny penis.

[Damnam1]

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?" The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... but... I've always wanted to."

There are two lessons for us all here:

Don't waste ammunition.

Don't mess with old people.

[Stramash]

There once was a fellow named Dave

Who dug up a ***** from her grave

She was mouldy as ****

And missing a ***

But think of the money he saved

[Stramash]

Janice was tired of living alone so she put an ad on a lonely hearts web site. In it she wrote, 'Man wanted. Must treat me nicely, must be looking for long term relationship and must be good in bed.'

She didn't hear much back but then one day she had a reply. After exchanging messages and chatting over the phone they arranged to meet at her house. She sat nervously waiting until the doorbell rang. She answered the door to see a man in a wheel chair with no arms and no legs.

"Oh Hello", she said trying not to act surprised at the man's appearance, "You must be Richard."

"Hi Janice. Please don't be mad at me, I thought if I told you about my disability over the phone you wouldn't have given me a chance."

Janice had a good heart so she invited him in and sat down to talk it through. Hoping to reason with him she says, "I asked for three things in my ad Richard. How do you think you can fill them?"

"Well Janice, as you can see, I have no arms so I won't beat you and I'll always treat you nicely. I have no legs and I can't run away from you, so I'm up for a long term relationship."

Janice could see her softly softly approach wasn't working so she snapped, "Yes Richard but are you any good in bed?"

To which Richard smiled and replied, "Well how do you think I rang the doorbell Janice?"

[Damnam1]

Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women. They are mixing the 'Clio' and the 'Taurus', and calling it the 'Clitaurus'.

It comes in pink, with or without fur on the dash, and the average male thief won't be able to find it, even if someone tells him where it is.

[Stramash]

A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is waiting right outside of the ladies dressing room for his Mum to come out. While waiting, the little boy gets bored and just when his Mum comes walking out she sees her son sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt..

"Get your hand out of there!" she shouts. "Don't you know that women have teeth down there?" The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't get bitten!

For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all women have teeth between their legs.

When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend. One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over for a little action. After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says, "You know, you could go a little further if you want."

What do you mean?" he asks.

"Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says, pointing to her crotch.

"Hell no," he cries, "you've got teeth down there!"

Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "there's no teeth down there."

"Yes, there are," he says, "my Mum told me so."

"No, there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek."

"No, I'm sorry", he says. "My Mum already told me that ALL women have teeth down there."

"Oh for crying out loud!" she cries. She whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head, and says, "LOOK, I DON'T HAVE ANY TEETH DOWN THERE"

The boy takes a good long look and replies, "Well, with the condition of those gums, I'm not surprised!"

[alan675]

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even 1 drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. 'Who is it?' calls one of the nuns.

'Blind man,' replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

'Nice ****,' says the man, 'Where do you want the blinds?'

[SomAmour]

need a lot of cleaning here! So Dirty... :twisted:

[amarone]

A bunch of nuns are riding a bus up a mountain and at a sharp turn the bus slides over the edge and falls down in a ravine and every single nun dies.

Thenuns line up at the gates of heaven to get in.

St peter asks the first nun

Sister mary have you ever touched a man?

Sister mary thinks for a while and then yes I have I helped at a caraccident one time and I touched a man with my left hand.

St peter: thats ok sister mary just dip your hand into this bowl of holy water and walk into heaven.

ST peter: Next now sister margret have you ever touched a man

Sister margret: yes one time I stumbled and accidently touched a man with my right foot.

St peter: thats very good dip your right foot in the bowl of holy water and enter heaven.

Suddenly there is one nun trying to get in front of another and,St peter gets annoyed walks back to them and asks whats this all about dont try to get in front of your fellow nun stay in your place.

Sister birgit: well want to get ahead of sister fiona

ST peter:and why do you want to get ahead of sister Fiona

Sister Birgit: I want to rinse my mouth in the holy water before sister Fiona dips her ass in there

[Admin_2]

A guy went out hunting. He had all the gear, the jacket, the boots and the double-barreled shotgun. As he was climbing over a fence, he dropped the gun and it went off, right on his penis. Obviously, he had to see a doctor.

When he woke up from surgery, he found that the doctor had done a marvelous job repairing it. As he got ready to go home, the doctor gave him a business card. “This is my brother’s card. I’ll make an appointment for you to see him.” The guy says “Is your brother a doctor?” To which the doctor replies, “No, he plays the flute. He’ll show you where to put your fingers so you don’t piss in your eye.”

[samy5000]

Whats the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer?

The prostitute can just wash her crack and resell it.

[DJTX]

Snow White had been living with the Seven Dwarfs for quite some time.

She had, in fact, just turned 19 and had grown into a rather attractive and

sexy girl. That was something the Dwarfs had started to notice. They tried as

much as they could to see her naked, but so far no luck. One night she told

them she was going to bed. As soon as she went upstairs the Dwarfs decided

this was their chance. They went outside and tried to find something to climb

up to see into her room. With nothing in the area they decided they would stand on each others shoulders, the one at top would relay down what he saw.

They got into position, one Dwarf standing on the other,the Dwarf on top

could just see over the window ledge. Snow White started to undress

and he began telling the others what was happening: "She's taking off

her blouse." "She's taking off her pants." By now he's starting to get a

little nervous and excited. "She's taking off her bra."

He begins telling them that she's taking off her panties but he hears

something behind them in the woods. He yells down "Someone's coming".

All he hears in return is "so am I" "so am I" "so am I"...

[Admin_2]

Dear Abby,

I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs. phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.

My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, 'just some friends from work, you don’t know them.' I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn’t want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with 'the girls'. It was at that moment, crouching behind my clubs, that I noticed that the graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a hairline crack right by the club head.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the golf shop where I bought it?

Thanks Jim