iBatch Posted March 11, 2010 Report Share Posted March 11, 2010 WIFE CHEATING ON HUSBAND A man goes hunting with a bunch of his friends on His land!! They have been hunting a while and his best friend says"hey I can see in your bedroom with my scope". He says " who's that man in the bedroom with your wife? The husband says "what? r u joking? The friend replies,"no honestly. I can see them!! The husband says "Fine shoot her in the head and him in the private!! The friend replies"I CAN GET THAT IN ONE SHOT!!!!!!!!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iBatch Posted March 11, 2010 Report Share Posted March 11, 2010 Why Did The Prostitute..... What did the doctor say to the prostitute when she complained no hair would grow on her vagina? --> did you ever see grass grow on a busy high way? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stramash Posted March 30, 2010 Report Share Posted March 30, 2010 My wife asked me "Why do you always treat me like a c*nt?" I didn't know what to say so I just put 2 fingers in her mouth & licked her nose. :twisted: and this one's for Rob... My girlfriend asked me if I had ever pissed in the shower. I said, "Yeah, a couple of times, accidentally." She said, "That's disgusting! What do you mean accidentally?!" "Hey," I said, "these things happen when you're having a ****." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teddy Posted March 30, 2010 Report Share Posted March 30, 2010 A few from Billys book of sick gags What’s blue and f*cks grannies? Me in my lucky blue coat What’s black and loud? Stevie wonder answering the iron What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The wheelchair Jill Dandos husband wanted to paint their front door but she was dead against it. What's worse than finding half a maggot in your apple? Gang rape What's grey and smells of curry. John Majors **** What's blue and doesn’t fit A dead epileptic What do you call a four sided building? The pentagon. What's silver, sits at the end of your bed and takes the piss out of you? A kidney dialysis machine. One more What do Ayrton Senna and Freddy Mercury have in common? They both died with blood on their helmets. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stramash Posted March 30, 2010 Report Share Posted March 30, 2010 After having a nice 69 with his girlfriend Brian remembered he had an appointment with the dentist. He was afraid that the dentist would notice the smell of fanny on his breath so he brushed his teeth, used dental floss & on top of that a bottle of listerine. As he arrived at the dentist he ate a packet of extra strong mints. His turn came up & the dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed, he opened his mouth wide. The dentist got close & said 'Did you have a 69 before you came here?' Brian says 'how did you know? Does my breath still smell like fanny?' The dentist replied 'No you have a Skid Mark on your forehead. My wife told me that she was seeing someone else because she was fed up with my bad habits. I nearly choked on my toenail. English Bob woke up with a hangover this morning....... It's terrible when your cock's too big for the bed. Hand Jobs are like Women's Football. A cheap imitation of something men do better themselves. 75% of 14 year old girls in Liverpool admit to regularly going out binge drinking. who the hell is looking after their kids? I got out of the shower and my wife said, "Ooo look, it's like a penis ... only smaller". I said, "Ooo look, it's like my secretary ... only fatter and less flexible". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teddy Posted March 30, 2010 Report Share Posted March 30, 2010 After having a nice 69 with his girlfriend Brian remembered he had an appointment with the dentist. He was afraid that the dentist would notice the smell of fanny on his breath so he brushed his teeth, used dental floss & on top of that a bottle of listerine. As he arrived at the dentist he ate a packet of extra strong mints. His turn came up & the dentist told him to take a seat.Feeling confident & relaxed, he opened his mouth wide. The dentist got close & said 'Did you have a 69 before you came here?' Brian says 'how did you know? Does my breath still smell like fanny?' The dentist replied 'No you have a Skid Mark on your forehead. Very good. Why didn’t superman save the twin towers? Because he’s in a wheelchair What's the difference between a wife and a wank? You cant beat wank Three gay men are in a Jacuzzi and a blob of spunk floats to the surface. One of them asks “Ok, who farted? What's black and sits at the top of the stairs? Christopher Reeves after the fire. What's red and white and sees stars? A seal being clubbed. Four Al-Qaeda thalidomide victims were arrested at Manchester airport yesterday. They were charged with trying to smuggle small arms into the country. How do you stop a dog humping your leg? Suck it off The other day I saw a young lad with no arm and no legs at the bus stop. I said “Alright- how are you getting on?†Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stramash Posted April 1, 2010 Report Share Posted April 1, 2010 My wife just came to bed in nothing but stockings and suspenders, stroked my cock up and down and said, "I want you to **** my ass and use me all day long". Goddamnit! I fall for it every April Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CaptainSW Posted April 2, 2010 Report Share Posted April 2, 2010 An Asian lady was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller, “Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?†The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, “Fluctuations.†The Asian lady says, “Fluc you white people too†Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iBatch Posted April 5, 2010 Report Share Posted April 5, 2010 A man was walking across the road when he met with an accident. The impact was on his head which caused him to be in a coma for 2 days. When he opened his eyes, his wife was by his side. He told her (in tears), "When I was struggling with my studies in the University, I failed again and again. Sometimes I even have to re-take my papers. You were there by my side, encouraging me to go on trying." She squeezed his hands as he continued, "When I went for major interviews and failed to clinch any of the jobs, you were there, cutting out the job ads for me to apply..." He added, " ...then I started working in this little firm and finally got a big contract. I blew it because of a small mistake. But you are still there for me." His wife was in tears. The man said, "I finally got a job after being laid off for quite some time. But I never seem to be promoted and my hard work was not recognised. I remained in the same position from the day I joined the company till now. You are still beside me..." His wife's tears trickled down as she listened to him, "And now I met with an accident and when I woke up, you are here with me. There's something I really like to say to you..." She flung herself on the bed and hug her husband, sobbing with deep emotion. Finally her husband said,.................. (scroll down....) ----------------- ----------------- ----------------- ----------------- ----------------- ----------------- ----------------- ----------------- "I think you bring me bad luck." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
olympos Posted April 5, 2010 Report Share Posted April 5, 2010 My wife asked me "Why do you always treat me like a c*nt?"I didn't know what to say so I just put 2 fingers in her mouth & licked her nose. :twisted: :thumbleft: :thumbleft: :thumbleft: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stramash Posted April 5, 2010 Report Share Posted April 5, 2010 My wife said to me, "I'm fed up with you being so lazy, pack your bags and leave." I said, "You pack them." Walked into a record shop and the assistant said "Good morning". I said, "You too". He said, "Second aisle, first shelf on the left". Funny fucker. A new nightclub has just opened down the road and they are offering free drinks all night for just under 20 quid... So tonight I'm gonna party like it's 19.99 Bookies are offering odds of 5/1 that Tiger Woods will get booed at the US Masters. I'm putting on ten grand then I'm going to go to Augusta and boo him myself. I don't understand why millions of Americans haven't thought of this already. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stramash Posted April 7, 2010 Report Share Posted April 7, 2010 I went through the five stages of grieving when my wife died. Denial - "I didn't do it." Anger - "The ***** made me do it." Bargaining - "I'll give you anything if you just let me go." Depression - "Oh ****, I'm going to be someone's ***** in prison." Acceptance - "At least I'll still be getting laid." Whats blue and keeps ***** warm??? Chelsea scarves!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iBatch Posted April 7, 2010 Report Share Posted April 7, 2010 Sex On The Dirty Wall One day little Bill's parents were having a party. The family was very busy so his mom told him to go play outside, but DON'T go anywhere near the Dirty Wall. Bill goes to play and goes to the dirty wall, disobeying his mother. While at the wall he sees the word "****". So he goes back to his house and asks his brother Matt what the word meant. "Er....um... the word means...ummm.... food, yes food, **** means food," says his 19 year old brother, so he says "ok, bye!" and goes back to the wall. Now, he sees the word "assholes". So, once again, he goes home and asks his sister Kirsty what assholes meant, " umm...it means...um... people, ya that's it people, but if anyone asks I never told you." He says ok and goes back to the wall. Now, he sees "*******" written on it. For the third time, he goes back, and asks his cousin, what does ******* mean. Well, his cousin goes berserk but soon after composes himself, and says " umm you shouldn't know this but umm, let's just say it means getting ready, yes it means GETTING READY!" Right when he was gonna go back to the dirty wall for the fourth time the guests arrive. His mom, yelling from upstairs,tells him to open the door. He runs to the door,opens it and says,"Hello assholes, my name is Bill. You're probably coming for the party. My mom and dad are upstairs ******* but they'll be down here in a few minutes because they've been up there for hours! Anyway, there's some really good **** on the table that my mom made before she started ******* with my dad, and you can start eating. They'll be down any minute now." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iBatch Posted April 7, 2010 Report Share Posted April 7, 2010 Sexual Football Quotes The hole closed on him before he could penetrate it. He came at his blind side and got him from behind. He's off to the sidelines for a quick blow. It's a game of inches. That hole was so big you could drive a truck through it. When you get down in this area, you just gotta start pounding. He's gonna feel that one tomorrow. He found his tight end. End around. He had to stretch to get it in. He gets penetration in the backfield. He blows them off (at the line). He bangs it in. He could go all the way. He gets it off just in time. He goes deep. He found a hole and slid through it. He pounds it in. He beats them off (the line). He's got great hands. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Neo Posted April 8, 2010 Report Share Posted April 8, 2010 Sexual Football QuotesThe hole closed on him before he could penetrate it. He came at his blind side and got him from behind. He's off to the sidelines for a quick blow. It's a game of inches. That hole was so big you could drive a truck through it. When you get down in this area, you just gotta start pounding. He's gonna feel that one tomorrow. He found his tight end. End around. He had to stretch to get it in. He gets penetration in the backfield. He blows them off (at the line). He bangs it in. He could go all the way. He gets it off just in time. He goes deep. He found a hole and slid through it. He pounds it in. He beats them off (the line). He's got great hands. you need to spend some quality time with your bf Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iBatch Posted April 8, 2010 Report Share Posted April 8, 2010 Sexual Football QuotesThe hole closed on him before he could penetrate it. He came at his blind side and got him from behind. He's off to the sidelines for a quick blow. It's a game of inches. That hole was so big you could drive a truck through it. When you get down in this area, you just gotta start pounding. He's gonna feel that one tomorrow. He found his tight end. End around. He had to stretch to get it in. He gets penetration in the backfield. He blows them off (at the line). He bangs it in. He could go all the way. He gets it off just in time. He goes deep. He found a hole and slid through it. He pounds it in. He beats them off (the line). He's got great hands. you need to spend some quality time with your bf since he dumped me.... i have no one :cry: (do ya want to date me? can i move in with ya on the 4th days?) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stramash Posted May 22, 2010 Report Share Posted May 22, 2010 I said to my girlfriend, "Now remember, my mother is very old, so speak nice and slow and very loud." Then I said to my perfectly capable mother, "By the way, my girlfriend is slightly retarded." What fun that was... :twisted: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iBatch Posted July 3, 2010 Report Share Posted July 3, 2010 Statistics Statistics say that women think they are smarter than men because they can fake orgasms. Men say "Big deal. We can fake a whole relationship just for a shag". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stramash Posted July 3, 2010 Report Share Posted July 3, 2010 As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
English_Bob Posted July 3, 2010 Report Share Posted July 3, 2010 A man and his wife are having sex. They hear a noise behind them and see their eight year old son staring, open-mouthed with shock. He turns round and runs out of the room screaming. The Dad says, "I'll just go and see if he's OK." He gets dressed and walks around the house looking for his son. He checks every room and can't find him anywhere. Finally there's only one room left... Grandma's room. Carefully, so as not to disturb the old lady, the man opens the door. To his horror, he sees his son naked on top of his grandma, banging away like a jackhammer. The guy shouts at his son, "What the Hell are you doing?" And the son replies, "Oh! Not so much fun when it's YOUR mum, is it? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StevieJR Posted July 3, 2010 Report Share Posted July 3, 2010 A man and his wife are having sex. They hear a noise behind them and see their eight year old son staring, open-mouthed with shock. He turns round and runs out of the room screaming.The Dad says, "I'll just go and see if he's OK." He gets dressed and walks around the house looking for his son. He checks every room and can't find him anywhere. Finally there's only one room left... Grandma's room. Carefully, so as not to disturb the old lady, the man opens the door. To his horror, he sees his son naked on top of his grandma, banging away like a jackhammer. The guy shouts at his son, "What the Hell are you doing?" And the son replies, "Oh! Not so much fun when it's YOUR mum, is it? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iBatch Posted July 3, 2010 Report Share Posted July 3, 2010 Two hookers standing on a street corner started discussing business. One of the hookers said, ''Gonna be a good night, I smell cock in the air.'' The other hooker looked at her and said, ''Sorry No, I just burped.'' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iBatch Posted July 3, 2010 Report Share Posted July 3, 2010 This couple had been going out together for quite a while and was thinking about getting married. They finally decided to spend a night in a motel to see if they were sexually compatible. The next morning he dropped her off at her apartment and he said, ''So long Lucy.'' She said, ''Goodbye, Shorty.'' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iBatch Posted July 3, 2010 Report Share Posted July 3, 2010 Blow Job Etiquette - A Lesson From Women To Men 1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it. 2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful 3. I don’t care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to cum on someone’s face. 4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON’T have to swallow. 5. My ears are NOT handles. 6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Do you really WANT puke on your ****? 7. I don’t care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart. 8. Having my period does not mean that it’s ''hummer week'' - get it through your head - I’m bloated and I feel like **** so no, I don’t feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can’t have sex right now. 9. Extension to #8 - ''Blue Balls'' might have worked on high school girls - if you’re that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol. 10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don’t tell me I’ve just ''wrecked it'' for you. 11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future. 12. If you like how we do it, it’s probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we’re good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude. 13. No, it doesn’t particularly taste good. And I don’t care about the protein content. 14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV. 15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don’t get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag. 16. Just because ''it’s awake'' when you get up does not mean I have to ''kiss it good morning'' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iBatch Posted July 3, 2010 Report Share Posted July 3, 2010 Blow Job Etiquette From A Male Viewpoint 1. First of all, yes you're obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier and dirtier) who will. 2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish. 3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word ''queef'' mean anything to you? 4. I will use your ears as I see fit. don't worry about it and be thankful I'm not pulling your hair. 5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning. Suck it up! 6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get. trust me. 7. You ***** about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the stick in flavor country. 8. At least there is no danger of a **** bleeding in your mouth. 9. Play with the balls. 10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better. 11. Make hay when the sun shines. it's ''wide awake'' in the morning now, but when you get old and fat and looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be ''sound asleep". 12. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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