Stramash Posted July 28, 2011 Report Share Posted July 28, 2011 I went up to a girl in a club last night and said, "Do you fancy a ****?" She replied, "No, I do not!" I said, "OK, do you mind laying down while I have one?" Rupert Murdoch was apparently very touched by some of the heartfelt messages left on Amy Winehouse's phone. "What do we want?" "A cure for Tourettes" "When do we want it?" "******* *****!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Admin_2 Posted July 28, 2011 Report Share Posted July 28, 2011 The police call an Arsenal supporter at work " Im sorry to inform you sir but you're house has been broken into, they've drunk all you're beer then raped you're wife" "Oh my god" screams the gunner......"I cant believe they shagged my missus after only 4 beers" lol...I'd post this one on facebook if it wasn't so stevie/dirty. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
English_Bob Posted July 28, 2011 Report Share Posted July 28, 2011 "What do we want?" "A cure for Tourettes" "When do we want it?" "******* *****!" Stealing it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Admin_2 Posted July 28, 2011 Report Share Posted July 28, 2011 Stealing it! I saw what he did... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stramash Posted July 28, 2011 Report Share Posted July 28, 2011 Stealing it! typical Manc ; ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teddy Posted July 28, 2011 Report Share Posted July 28, 2011 I was working at the studio yesterday helping the engineer set up for a session with Beyonce. After being there for half an hour Beyonce approached me and asked if I had seen her cell phone. I replied "No, but I can call it for you." She replied "I have it on silent." I said "Well, if you liked it, you should have put a ring on it." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teddy Posted July 28, 2011 Report Share Posted July 28, 2011 Rupert Murdoch was apparently very touched by some of the heartfelt messages left on Amy Winehouse's phone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
admin Posted July 29, 2011 Report Share Posted July 29, 2011 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kaunitz Posted August 20, 2011 Report Share Posted August 20, 2011 A waitress walks up to a table where Jan, Piet and Koos are seated. When she gets to the table, the waitress notices that the three of them are furiously masturbating. She asks, "What the hell are you three perverts doing?" Koos replies, "We all very hungry!" She answers, "But why are you jerking off?" Piet answers, "Because menu say, 'First Come, First Served!'" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kaunitz Posted August 20, 2011 Report Share Posted August 20, 2011 The blonde co-ed danced excitedly into her room clapping and chanting, "I won! I won! That guy is so stupid!" Her room mate asked "What on Earth are you going on about?" "Well," the blonde explained, "I just met this really stupid guy who bet me a dollar that if I touched my toes he could screw me without my feeling a thing, and I won!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stramash Posted August 20, 2011 Report Share Posted August 20, 2011 I've been married to my wife ten years today. Having sex with just one person in ten years is pure dedication. I don't know how she does it. Kate McCann came into my book shop the other day. I said, "It's horrible the way people assume that you and Gerry killed Madeleine." She said, "Tell me something I don't know." I handed her a book on parenting skills and said, "It's all in there, love." My wife stood in front of me modelling the new underwear that she'd ordered. "What do you think?" she asked proudly. "It's different in the catalogue," I answered. "How is it different?" she scowled. "Well," I said, "I don't have a hard-on." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kaunitz Posted August 28, 2011 Report Share Posted August 28, 2011 An English guy, Scottish guy and Irish guy are discussing the best bar in the world.... The English guy says, "In my local after you buy a drink, the landlord buys you one back. Then you buy another and he buys you one back... It's really friendly." The Scottish guy says, "There's a bar in Scotland where your FIRST drink is always free. And after you buy one someone ALWAYS rings the bell and buys everyone a drink... AND they have free food every Friday night. It's fantastic fun." The Irish guy says, "Well there's a bar in my home town. Your first drink is free, so is the next one and the next one and the next one. In fact you can drink there ALL night free, until you're really p#ssed. Then there's a room out back where you go and get laid!" The other two men are duly impressed - "That sounds great - what's the name of the bar?" The Irish guy replies, "I don't know... but my sister goes there all the time." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kaunitz Posted August 28, 2011 Report Share Posted August 28, 2011 Man teases ex-wife's new husband: "How's the second hand *****?" The new husband says: "Its great thanks!...After the first 2 inches, its brand new!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
funky_house Posted August 28, 2011 Report Share Posted August 28, 2011 Got sent these ones: Was shagging this bird over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!” Thinking back, I really should have legged it – but you don’t get offers like that every day. I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I rooted a Sheila called Penny – spooky or what? My wife is pissed off with me again. I crept into the bedroom last night and swapped her tampon for a party popper. No sense of humour. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kaunitz Posted August 28, 2011 Report Share Posted August 28, 2011 A guy says to his wife, "Next weekend I want to do something really special... Let's go fishing! It'll be great... just you, me and the dog, up by the lake." The wife isn't very keen, but says, "OK then, whatever." Next Saturday he shakes her awake at 4.30 am. "C'mon, get up. Time to go fishing!!! You, me and the dog up by the lake!" She looks at the clock and says, "WTF!!! It's 4.30 in the morning!" He answers, "You have to get up early to get the best spot, come on the car's all packed." His wife says, "No I'm sorry. I'm not going. I don't feel like sitting by the side of a lake all day watching you fish." The guy is really cheesed off, "You always do this. I try to do something nice for us and you just let me down. How are you going to make it up to me?" She says, "Well what do you want?" With an evil glint in his eye he says, "I want a blow job or to f#ck you in the ass." "Well you're not getting near my ass, so I suppose I'll give you a quick blow job. The guy unzips his fly and his wife goes to work on him. Suddenly she pulls back with a disgusted look on her face, "Oh my God... Your **** tastes disgusting... tastes like sh*t!" The guy says, "Yeah I know... the dog didn't want to go either." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stramash Posted August 28, 2011 Report Share Posted August 28, 2011 A lamb vindaloo is lying quietly in a stomach. All of a sudden something cold and wet lands on top of it. "Hey! Who the **** are you?" says the vindaloo. "I'm a double vodka," says the newcomer. "Dave just paid for me." A few minutes later another downpour arrives. "And who the **** are you?" says the vindaloo. "I'm a double vodka," says the latest newcomer. "Dave just got another round in." This goes on for a while until the tenth double vodka gushes in and says Dave just bought it. "You guys have made me curious," says the vindaloo. "I'm going to take a look at this Dave bloke myself." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kaunitz Posted August 28, 2011 Report Share Posted August 28, 2011 A lamb vindaloo is lying quietly in a stomach. All of a sudden something cold and wet lands on top of it."Hey! Who the **** are you?" says the vindaloo. "I'm a double vodka," says the newcomer. "Dave just paid for me." A few minutes later another downpour arrives. "And who the **** are you?" says the vindaloo. "I'm a double vodka," says the latest newcomer. "Dave just got another round in." This goes on for a while until the tenth double vodka gushes in and says Dave just bought it. "You guys have made me curious," says the vindaloo. "I'm going to take a look at this Dave bloke myself." "Hi", said the beer, "here I am again - and look what I have brought with me!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stramash Posted August 28, 2011 Report Share Posted August 28, 2011 'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'. The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ? 'Yes, Father, it is.' 'And who was the girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'. "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti? 'I cannot say.' 'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?' 'I'll never tell.' 'Was it Nina Capelli?' 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.' 'Was it Cathy Piriano?' 'My lips are sealed.' 'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?' 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.' The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.' Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?' 'Four months' vacation and five good leads.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teddy Posted September 5, 2011 Report Share Posted September 5, 2011 An old Billy Conolly joke: Jill Dandos husband wanted to paint the front door green, but she was dead against it. Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stramash Posted September 5, 2011 Report Share Posted September 5, 2011 Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent. You deserve a slap for that one, and it is in no way dirty, just ****. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stramash Posted September 5, 2011 Report Share Posted September 5, 2011 Science shows that owls have the sharpest hearing on the planet. They have clearly never tested a man watching porn whilst his wife is asleep. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKYWARRIOR Posted September 5, 2011 Report Share Posted September 5, 2011 Dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner. "Son, where were you today?" The son says "at school dad." Robot slaps the son! "Ok, I watched a dvd at my friend’s house!" "What dvd?" "Toy story." Robot slaps the son again! "Ok, it was a porno" cries the son. "What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was" says the dad. Robot slaps the dad! Mom laughs "HaHaHa! He's certainly your son. " Robot slaps the mom Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stramash Posted September 5, 2011 Report Share Posted September 5, 2011 I asked the wife for some oral pleasure today. She said, "Would you like me to suck you off?" I replied, "No, I want you to shut the **** up." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teddy Posted September 5, 2011 Report Share Posted September 5, 2011 Q: What's the difference between Adolph Hitler and Michael Phelps? A: Michael Phelps knows how to finish a race Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stramash Posted September 5, 2011 Report Share Posted September 5, 2011 My wife came down the stairs, "Well done," she said, "Your daughter's up there in a right state." "I was only trying to help," I said, "I know how much she misses that guinea pig." "And you actually thought that making it into a glove puppet was a good idea?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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