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amarone

Dirty jokes

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What's the definition of 6.9?

A good thing ruined by a period.

:lol::lol::lol: That's a really good one!

===============================

A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle lying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Mexican is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish; anything you want."

The Mexican begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking tequila." Finally the Mexican says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want, so make me pee tequila."

The Genie grants him his wish.

When the Mexican gets home, he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pees in it. He looks at the glass and it's clear. Looks like tequila. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like tequila. So he takes a taste and it is the best tequila he has ever tasted.

The Mexican yells to his wife, "Consuelo, Consuelo, come quickly!" She comes running down the hall and the Mexican takes another glass out of the cupboard and fills it. He tells her to drink it. It is tequila. Consuelo is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best tequila she has ever tasted. The two drank and partied all night.

The next night the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to fill the two glasses. The result is the same. The tequila is excellent and the couple drinks until the sun comes up.

Finally Friday night comes and the Mexican comes home and tells his wife, "Consuelo, grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink Tequila." His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table. The Mexican begins to fill the glass; and when he fills it, his wife asks him, "But Pancho, why do we need only one glass?"

Pancho raises the glass and says, "Because tonight, Mi Senorita, you drink from the bottle."

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Got these via SMS:

Gary Glitter is now in Chile.

He heard that it is the only place that you can slide a miner up and down your shaft, and get applauded.

My girlfriend said to me that my penis resembles a Tic Tac. she was quite proud of her remark, until I brought her down a peg or two when I asked "So why does your sister still have bad breath then?"

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A horse walks into a bar. The barman says "Why the long face?"

"Evolutionary selective pressures" says the horse.

"I beg your pardon?" says the barman, surprised.

"The evolution of the horse occurred in such a manner that a large elongated head was an advantage over members of it's species which lacked this feature" replies the horse, wisely.

"Oh" says the barman, bemused. "Do you always talk about yourself in the third person? Or is the term 'the horse' something like 'the royal we' that humans use?"

"Pardon?" Says the horse. Or, more accurately, the man standing behind the horse.

"Oh" says the barman again, relieved this time "It was you talking the whole time" he says to the man.

"Indeed. I'm a zoologist, and this is my horse" replies the zoologist man.

"That makes more sense" says the barman, "I didn't think horses could talk"

"Yet you were ready to concede you may be wrong based on the evidence of your own perceptions, well done. Are you a scientist at all?" asks the zoologist.

"No" replies the barman "but I grew up in the city, I've never actually seen a horse in real life, so I'd have to admit it's possible they could talk, but this ability is something which nobody has brought to my attention yet".

"Interesting theory" says the Zoologist "Plausible given your own experiences, but it's unlikely that the ability of a non-human animal to process and deliver coherent speech, an incredible discovery, would be something that people would not speak about to the extent where you would almost certainly be aware of it, living as we do in an industrialised nation with many means of communication available"

"Perhaps" acknowledges the barman "but you're assuming a position of the speech capabilities of horses being a new discovery, whereas it's possible that, given humankind's long association with horses and beasts of burden, it's a well known fact, to the point where it is assumed to be common knowledge, such as the ability of penguins to swim. An unusual behaviour for birds, but if I were to point it out to a stranger I would be laughed at."

"Good point, well made" replies the Zoologist.

"Well, you work in a pub long enough, you hear a lot of discussions with wild suppositions and twisted logic", the barman confesses.

"I can imagine" says the zoologist.

There is a big pause, during which no bears appear, as is the norm.

"Did you want a drink?" Asks the barman, eventually.

"Yes. A lager please" The barman pours the zoologist his pint and he sits down.

At this point, an Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman enter the bar.

"Hello, we're 3 friends" says the Englishman.

"Not from childhood though, as we are from differing geographical locations" says the Irishman.

"We're all scientists, so met later in life via conferences" says the Scotsman.

"That's... nice" replies the barman, vaguely alarmed. "Why did you feel the need to tell me that?" He asks.

"Given the situation, it's highly likely that we shall end up in a limited discussion with you at some point during the evening, but as we have never encountered you before it would be unlikely that you knew anything about us, so we decided it would be best to provide background information about us in order to aid understanding." says the Scotsman.

"Fine!" says the barman, confused but soldiering on. He turns to the Englishman.

"What would you like?" he asks.

"I would like to be awarded a grant for my research with no end point to it, for my current theories to be proven correct and to be published without question or incident, and for my rather curvaceous female lab assistant to stop wearing such low-cut tops as it's creating a very distracting working environment" he replies.

"I meant what would you want to drink!" shouts the barman, becoming frustrated.

"I had no way of knowing that was the case, so I thought it best to use a literal interpretation of your question" replies the Englishman.

"What else could I possibly mean?! This is a pub" replies the barman angrily.

"I know, but I am not from this area so the opportunity sampling of public houses I have is geographically limited, so I could not guarantee that publicans in this area would have the same intent when asking that question as they do in my home town. Now that you have informed me that it is, I shall adjust me finding accordingly."

"...you a sociologist" asks the barman?

"Yes" replies the Englishman. "How did you know?"

"Lucky guess" sighs the barman.

"Actually, given the response you made contained much information regarding social convention and the possible consequences of incorrect supposition, it was highly likely that you were qualified in some sociological capacity" said the Scotsman to the Englishman "As for drinks, I believe he will have a lager, as on previous occasions when we have engaged in mutual socialising that is what he has ordered, possibly switching to some vodka-mixer combination later in the evening. Although our total mutual socialising occasions are limited, thus giving my analysis low statistical power, I have no further information on which to base my decision".

"And you'd be a... statistician?" asks the barman, tentatively.

"Your hypothesis has a less than 5% chance of a type 2 error. I will also have a lager"

The barman begins pouring their drinks. While doing so, he warily turns to the Irishman.

"And what would you like?" He asks. "To DRINK!" he hurriedly adds, glancing at the psychologist.

"Pint of Guinness" says the Irishman.

"Really? Simple as that?" asks the barman, suspiciously.

"Yes. I'm a lab technician. This being a joke though, I thought I'd make being Irish my most comically exaggerated feature" replies the cliched Irishman.

They take their drinks and sit next to the Zoologist, whom it become clear they are acquainted with.

"You guys take a hell of a long time and preamble to make a single point" observes the barman.

"Like we said, we're scientists" replies the statistician.

Two Jews then walk into the bar. At this point, the horse defecates loudly onto the floor of the bar. The two Jews, disgusted, leaves. However, as it is currently Saturday daytime (Shabbat) and they were planning to enter a drinking establishment, it is unlikely they were committed or orthodox Jews, so their reason for their disgust was unlikely to be religious and more basic human revulsion.

"And get that horse out of here!" Shouts the barman, "No horses in my pub!"

"That statement contradicts all available evidence" says the Statistician.

"Indeed, both the presence of the horse and the lack of any public notices forbidding horses on the premises undermine your statement" says the Sociologist.

"But Horses aren't allowed in pubs! Everyone knows that" insists the barman.

"It's never been explicitly stated" says the zoologist.

"Indeed, all of us here entered the premises to discover a horse so assumed this was a common occurrence here. But when it does something that you disagree with, you try to impose arbitrary rules on the situation to fit your own specific world view. You're not a Christian, are you?" asks the the Sociologist.

"To be sure, to be sure" says the clichd Irishman, drawing a shamrock in the foam on his Guiness.

"Either it goes or you do!" shouts the barman.

The Zoologist, sighing, gets up and leads the horse out of the bar.

While he is outdoors, two more men enter the pub.

"Hello! We're scientists" says the statistician.

"Oh good. Me too!" says one of the men. "I'm a chiropractor"

"That's not a Science" the statistician points out.

"I'LL SUE YOU!" Screams the chiropractor, and runs out of the pub, weeping and calling his lawyer.

The second man glares at the assembled scientists threateningly, and goes to the bar.

"Typical scientists, spending their ill-earned big pharma kickbacks for suppressing the natural therapies of nature" he says tot he barman.

The barman, completely unaware of what the man means, nods politely.

"I'm not like them. I'm a homeopath".

Unwilling to lose more custom, the barman nods again.

"I'd like an espresso, a coke and 10 pints of water please" the homeopath says.

"What do you want with that" asks the sociologist, who has overheard

"Because, despite what you fascists keep saying, diluting things makes them stronger" hisses the homeopath.

"Yeah, we get that, why the caffeine?" asks the technician, who has grown bored of being an Irish stereotype.

"Because like treats like! You treat the symptoms with things that cause them, obviously! And I'm trying to cure being sober!" barks the homeopath.

"Oh, I get it" replies the technician.

"Of course, sobriety isn't caused by caffeine, that's what causes insomnia and low level hyperactivity" says the statistician.

"Yeah, sobriety is the normal state of being for a human body. To cure that, you should dilute some water and take that." says the technician.

"Good luck with that" says the barman, now resigned to the situation.

"Of course, you could take into account the effects of drunkenness and try and treat the things that work against it?" says the statistician. "Drink makes me hungry, so you could maybe treat the symptoms of lack of hunger? Try diluting a kebab!"

"Yeah, and dilute some viagra as well!" says the sociologist. The technician, barman and statistician turn to stare at him.

"What?" says the sociologist. "Doesn't everyone get that?"

"You'd know" says the technician.

"Well, statistically speaking..." says the statistician.

"STOP RUINING MY NIGHT WITH YOUR LOGIC AND REASON" Screams the homeopath, typically. He then retreats to the corner of the room, and in order to exact a disproportionate revenge, spends the rest of the evening trying to suffocate the scientists by attempting to dilute a lack of oxygen.

At this point, the Zoologist returns to the bar. With the Horse.

"Oi!" shouts the barman. "I told you we don't allow horses in here"

"You did" says the zoologist. "I'm just repeating the experiment in order to verify the findings".

The horse then defecates again.

The barman just slumps to the floor, and vows to go on holiday the next time the QED conference is in town.

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A guy dies and goes to hell.

The devil meets him at the gate and says, "All right, you have died and come to hell. You will spend eternity here, but you get to choose how to spend it. You may choose one of these three doorways. Once you choose a door, you may not change it. So let's get started."

The devil opens Door One. The guy looks in and sees a couple of people standing on their heads on a Concrete floor. The guy says, "No way, let's move on."

The devil opens Door Two. The guy sees a few more people standing on their heads on a Wood floor. The guy says, "No way, let's move on."

The devil opens Door Three. The guy sees a bunch of people standing knee-deep in cow manure drinking coffee. The guy says, "Great, this is the one I will chose." The devil says, "OK, wait right here, I will get you some coffee."

The guy settles in with his coffee thinking that this isn't so bad. What's the big deal? After about 10 minutes a voice comes over the loud speaker saying, "Coffee break's over. Back on your heads!"

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Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened

by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to

Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted", and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed, and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While swimming alone one

day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the

mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn. With tears

of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and

bought

them all a ****tail.

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he

couldn't see his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode.

As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back.

He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed. I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Christian"

:roll: :roll: :lol:

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Okay for you "I can't be bothered to read tonight" a couple if shorties:

A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.

A spokesman for the channel said....

'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we have heard that people in - Abu Dhabi Do.'

and,

What did the Scottish epileptic get for Xmas?

A wii fit.

:lol:

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Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened

by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to

Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted", and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed, and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While swimming alone one

day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the

mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn. With tears

of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and

bought

them all a ****tail.

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he

couldn't see his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode.

As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back.

He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed. I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Christian"

:roll: :roll: :lol:

Teddy...why did you put ****tail instead of cocktail? I don't think TF is that politically correct yet. :roll:

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Okay for you "I can't be bothered to read tonight" a couple if shorties:

A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.

A spokesman for the channel said....

'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we have heard that people in - Abu Dhabi Do.'

and,

What did the Scottish epileptic get for Xmas?

A wii fit.

Lol you're killing me tonight.

:lol:

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Teddy...why did you put ****tail instead of cocktail? I don't think TF is that politically correct yet. :roll:

Ah, I copied it from another site where they ban a few words like that. Their chosen words are weird though cos you can use the worse ones freely.

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Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened

by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to

Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted", and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed, and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While swimming alone one

day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the

mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn. With tears

of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and

bought

them all a ****tail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn

****tail - it's much worse)

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he

couldn't see his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode.

As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back.

He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed. I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Christian"

:roll: :roll: :lol:

That was so bad it was funny :lol:

Completely fed up of being a shark, poor old Justin was swimming around wondering how this had all happened....Lost all his friends, real sharks wouldn't accept him, he really thought his life was over.

Suddenly he hears this groaning and looks down to see Sammy the squid doubled over obviously in severe pain.

Justin swims down to see what the problem is, one look at the shark and the squid is frozen with fear " please don't eat me" says Sammy......no no no don't worry Im not really a shark, i wont eat you, just wondering whats wrong, says Justin.

Aye right thinks the bold Sammy.....I think its something i ate, bloody stomach cramps and i have the runs, im trying to get home but cant move its so bad, he says.

Don't worry says Justin, jump on my back and I'll take you home.....F*ck that says Sammy, the minute i jump on you'll fkn eat me.....No i promise i wont, im not a real shark, just get on and i will take you home, said Justin.

The wary squid thinks about it and then nervously hops on Justin's back.....As soon as he does WOOOSHH Justin is off like a flash......Errrrr where are you going says Sammy, I live in the other direction....ohhhhh i knew it, you're going to eat me, I'm doomed....DOOMED!!

After about an hour of going back and forward, this way and that, Justin suddenly stops.....Right, off he shouts....Eh says Sammy, whose eyes are now closed with fear......OFF my back shouts Justin once more!

A now petrified Sammy slowly slides off the sharks back, opens his eyes only to be met by a large mysterious looking cod staring at him.

Right! says Justin, looking at the cod......here's that sick squid i owe you now turn me back into a fuckin Prawn!!

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My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it's either her or the internet.

So sadly, this will be my last joke..... in which I talk about having a wife.

I hate old rock music so much that yesterday I pushed Mick Jagger off a cliff. The best bit was that he happened to land on my ex-wife and her ***** of a sister.

Killed two birds with one stone.

What's the difference between a prostitute, and a bomb?

I don't know, but if you hit either of them hard enough, you're f**ked.

Today,the girl who works next to me in the office came back from lunch and started shouting.

"What's the matter?" I asked.

"Somebody left a note on my desk saying, "You're the ugliest ***** I have ever seen!"

"Don't look at me," I said.

"I wasn't implying it was you, I just-"

"No seriously, don't look at me; you're ******* hideous."

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Been chatting to a 14 year old girl online. She's funny, sexy and flirty. Now she tells me she is an undercover cop! How cool is that at her age!?

MSN News: 'Men Who Rape Will Be Named'

Cool, can I have 'Nightstriker' or has that already been taken?

I don't get why everyone hates Audley Harrison, it's not like he's ever hurt anyone.

boom boom tsssh

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What's the similarity between eating a woman and dealing with the mafia?

One slip of the tongue and you're in deep ****!

-----

Two prostitutes were sitting after hours comparing trade secrets so to speak, when one of them asked the other

"So how's your oral skill?"

"Oh, I suck!"

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Not dirty, but it made me smile:

Careful if you take up a new job.

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and

gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove

up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass

window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab.

Then, the still shaking driver said, "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but

you scared the daylights out of me."

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't

realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle the driver so

badly.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my

fault today is my very first day driving a cab.

I've been driving a hearse for 25 years.

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Latest from Gary Glitters Twitter page!

Well that's me not getting invited round my neighbors again after last nights dinner party.

Funny though, they did say it was okay when I asked if I could go upstairs and relieve myself in the little boy's room...

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Latest from Gary Glitters Twitter page!

Well that's me not getting invited round my neighbors again after last nights dinner party.

Funny though, they did say it was okay when I asked if I could go upstairs and relieve myself in the little boy's room...

Again Stevie...you fail.

I'm actually starting to feel sorry for you. Please try again.

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Little Herbie had been blind since birth. One day at bedtime, his mother told him that the next day was a very special one. If he prayed extra hard, he'd be able to see when he woke up in the morning.

The next morning she came into Herbie's room to make sure he'd prayed hard the night before.

"Well then, open your eyes and you'll know that your prayers have been answered."

Little Herbie opens his eyes, but shouts "Mother! Mother! I still can't see!"

"I know dear", says his mother, "April Fool!

What do female astronauts call their dildos?

Shuttlecocks!

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Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office,

But she belonged to someone else...

One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to

her and said, ' I'll give you a100 if you let me

have sex with you. But the girl said NO.

Johnny said, ' I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on

the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the

time you pick it up. '

She thought for a moment and said that she would have

to consult her boyfriend... So she called her

boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend says, ' Ask him for 200, pick up the

money very fast, he won't even be able to get his

Pants down. '

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour

goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his

girlfriend to call.

Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and

asks what happened.

She responded,

'The bastard used coins!'

Management lesson:

Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed

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