Stramash Posted September 4, 2009 Report Share Posted September 4, 2009 How many existentialists does it take to change a light bulb? 2: One to change it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Admin_2 Posted February 22, 2011 Report Share Posted February 22, 2011 What do a priest and an olympic silver medalist have in common? ... They both came in a little behind. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stramash Posted February 22, 2011 Report Share Posted February 22, 2011 I got chatting to a lumberjack in a pub. He seemed like a decent feller. I was way too drunk last night to drive home. So I drove to another party. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stramash Posted February 22, 2011 Report Share Posted February 22, 2011 An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, and a Swiss man walk into a pub. The landlord says, "I can't let you in without a Thai." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iBatch Posted March 4, 2011 Report Share Posted March 4, 2011 A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads... Dear Wife, I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary. When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows... Dear Husband, I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old boy toy. And, you, being an accountant, will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18. ... Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's *** and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ... and she's always sound asleep." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stramash Posted May 10, 2011 Report Share Posted May 10, 2011 A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail. Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read: To: My Loving Wife Subject: I've Arrived Date: October 16, 2005 I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kaunitz Posted May 10, 2011 Report Share Posted May 10, 2011 She: "Darling, I went to the beauty parlour today!" He: "And? Why didn't they attend to you?" --- He: "Honey, what would you do if I win the lottery?" She: "Take half of the money and leave you instantly." He: "Ok, here are your $2,50 - and now p*ss off!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bodai Posted May 10, 2011 Report Share Posted May 10, 2011 AAAGGGHHH HA HA HA HA!!!! That is going in my top 5 non dirty jokes. (in reference to StarMash's post.... that's what I'm calling you from now on). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bodai Posted May 10, 2011 Report Share Posted May 10, 2011 So I'm doing this girl from behind, I pull out and stick it in her ass. She says "Thats pretty presumptuous dontcha think?" I say: "That's a pretty big word for a twelve year old, dontcha thing?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stramash Posted May 10, 2011 Report Share Posted May 10, 2011 Where's the virtual tumbleweed? The line has been jumped over ; ) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stramash Posted May 10, 2011 Report Share Posted May 10, 2011 Why do so many Muslims marry their own cousins? To ensure the next generation will be dumb enough to believe Islam. The identity of the Navy Seals that killed Osama bin Laden is being kept secret. It's for their own safety. It's to keep them from being high-fived to death. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bodai Posted May 10, 2011 Report Share Posted May 10, 2011 Well played sir, well played. Whats the hardest part about roller blading? Telling your dad you're gay. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bodai Posted May 10, 2011 Report Share Posted May 10, 2011 A plane was about to crash - a female passenger jumps frantically and yells, "If I'm going to die, then I want to die feeling like a woman!" Then, she strips down to nothing and asks, "Is there anyone man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A gentleman stands up and takes off his shirt and says "Iron this!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stramash Posted May 11, 2011 Report Share Posted May 11, 2011 Did you hear about the dwarf who started wearing stilts so he could hit women in the face? "i had to take action" he said, "no more beating around the bush". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stramash Posted May 11, 2011 Report Share Posted May 11, 2011 A policeman pulled over a car, walked up to the driver's window, and asked the man if he knew why he was pulled over. "No," the man replied. "You failed to stop at the stop sign," the cop explained. "But I did slow down!" the guy argued. The cop shook his head. "You are required to stop. That's why they're called stop signs." The man started to get belligerent. "Stop, slow down -- what's the difference?" The cop pulled out his baton. "I can show you. I'm going to start hitting you with my baton. You tell me if you want me to stop or slow down." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stramash Posted May 11, 2011 Report Share Posted May 11, 2011 Remember kids, if a strange man offers you drugs, say thank you because drugs are expensive these days. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Admin_2 Posted May 12, 2011 Report Share Posted May 12, 2011 Did you hear about the dwarf who started wearing stilts so he could hit women in the face?"i had to take action" he said, "no more beating around the bush". My kinda joke, lol. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
funky_house Posted May 13, 2011 Report Share Posted May 13, 2011 I got sent these two today: Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night, and the locals were shouting paedo at me. Just because my girlfriend is 21 and I am 52... It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary. Are you insured for sex? Make sure that you get the correct insurance for the sex you are having. Please find a list of companies below, catering for most tastes: Sex with your wife: Legal & General. Sex on the phone: Direct Line. Sex with your partner: Standard Life. Sex with someone different: Go Compare. Sex with a fat girl: More Than. Sex on the back seat of a car: Sheila's Wheel's. Sex with a posh girl: Privileged. Sex with a transvestite: Confused.com Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stramash Posted May 13, 2011 Report Share Posted May 13, 2011 A Jehovah's Witness knocked on my door and asked if I'd like to let Jesus into my home. "Jesus can come in" I said, "but you can **** off." Hello and welcome to Britain's got talent. What is your name? Roman Kolarov. And where are you from? I am Poland origin. And what is your talent? I build conservatory in 40 minutes for £9.99 People never take me seriously anymore . . . Thought the comedian Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
koolbreez Posted May 14, 2011 Report Share Posted May 14, 2011 An English bloke, a Scotsman, and the Pope walk into a bar, and the bartender says "what is this, some kind of joke?". A man comes into the hotel lounge, and starts talking to the bartender, telling him about just getting married 3 hours ago. The bartender asks him why he isn't up consumating the marriage with his new wife. He states that she has gonorrea, and he doesn't want to catch it. So the bartender recommends that he just roll her over, but the guy states that she has piles so that won't work either. Not giving up the bartender suggests oral sex, but the guy says she has pyorea of the gums so that is out too. Frustrated the bartender asks why he even married her then. The guy states matter of factly that she also has worms, and he likes to fish... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stramash Posted May 14, 2011 Report Share Posted May 14, 2011 Apparently, the film 'Kickass' has been complained about because it has a twelve year old girl using the word *****. Honestly, these people are so out of touch; if I want to hear a twelve year old girl say '*****' I can just go to Liverpool. In fact the other day I heard an 11 year old girl say ***** on the bus. Although to be fair her child was behaving very badly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
English_Bob Posted May 14, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 14, 2011 Apparently, the film 'Kickass' has been complained about because it has a twelve year old girl using the word *****. Honestly, these people are so out of touch; if I want to hear a twelve year old girl say '*****' I can just go to Liverpool. In fact the other day I heard an 11 year old girl say ***** on the bus. Although to be fair her child was behaving very badly. Oh that really made me lol... Not just an internet lol, but a real one... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teila Posted May 14, 2011 Report Share Posted May 14, 2011 Oh that really made me lol... Not just an internet lol, but a real one... I did the same. Nice one Stramash! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stramash Posted May 15, 2011 Report Share Posted May 15, 2011 The US has released a list of the Porn found in Osama's house 1 - Ramadan her throat 2 - Jihad a good time 3 - Martyrs of ass destruction 4 - Hide in my cave 5 - Twang my tali-banjo string 6 - Al show you my Qaeda 7 - Get it allah inside her 8 - Burqa ******* 14: All Allah, All Anal Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
admin Posted May 15, 2011 Report Share Posted May 15, 2011 Apparently, the film 'Kickass' has been complained about because it has a twelve year old girl using the word cunt. Honestly, these people are so out of touch; if I want to hear a twelve year old girl say 'cunt' I can just go to Liverpool. In fact the other day I heard an 11 year old girl say cunt on the bus. Although to be fair her child was behaving very badly. Similar sort of joke . . . She was 30 and already a grandmother. Usually told about Mexicans, South Americans, and basically anybody else from a less developed country. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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