It is raining nonstop these days; somehow I want to catch swine flu so that they could lock me away from people for a while. See if I attain or understand life better or learnt something that I don?t know yet.

Since my previous relationship fail, I think I could not love anyone anymore but I can that is amazing

Mr. Kiwi has left Thailand since early of May. At first I thought I?m ok but for the first two weeks I have a hard time coz I missed him. Now I think I get used to of this feeling.

When I first met him in the pub I keep sipping a glass of milk for 2 hours (thought I was going to be his legend forever hehe). And later on he asked me, ?why milk? And why you keep sipping for 2 hours?? Well, I still can?t find the answer yet hehe. And when the day I lie in bed, crying, telling myself to forget him. I was thinking, ?is it because of I sipping milk that make him didn?t want to see me anymore? Why am I so stupid? Why I?m not drinking other thing instead of milk? Shamed hehe?

When he said he likes my head, not my look. That makes me think ?is this a hint that I?m ugwy or what?? Since I told him ?I?m not that cool or smart woman but I?m just me. If one day he asked? why you are so stupid?? I would say ?I already told you that I?m not smart woman. See? I don?t have to worry anything, just in case. What an advance relief!!!

I have 1 older sis and 1 older bro and a younger bro, I?m no. 3. In my childhood, I hardly work or help my sis, apart from playing with my young bro and bullied him. No doubt that my cooking is limited and my house shores are poor. Especially ironing, once my cousin asked me ?u sure that u did iron your cloth? Why before and after still look the same? That is how & why I buy dresses that no needs to iron, but I am good at wash dishes hehe.

Anyway, I used to think if I have bf, he must not be a youngest child but I just realized that my youngest bro is my best friend for most of time. He always shares his experiences, all kind of experiences I may say. I remember when he criticized his gf?s cellulite looks as if crocodile?s skin. At first I just smile until I accidentally saw her cellulite, then I thought ?oh my bro pretty honest and direct speaks?. I don?t have cellulite but I have a birth mark in my middle back. Some said my birth mark look as if Buddha?s image. Maybe I?m a saint in a sinner?s body ?hehe

My bro always said we can not find bf (me & cousins) because we don?t know how to make man happy. And if any guy interested in one of us that mean they are interested in our assets or something else. More over he told us to stay single forever because we were born to make other girls who already pretty or cuties even prettier or cuter look aka decorating stuffs. Or unimportant ingredient but we have feeling, I think.

He called me last week telling about his gfs. I want to share mine too but I better say nothing afraid he might laugh at me. The word ?you don?t know how to make man happy? is really something that I don?t want to hear.

3 days ago I was talking to one of my cousin, normally I don?t talk to her much because we speak different language but I want to share sometime:

Me: u know, I really want to make him happy but I don?t know thing much.

Cousin: but at least u know how to spread your legs wide to him, that should be enough.

I was speechless and not sure what she expected to hear from me?hehe.. How could she think of something like that? ¤Ô´ä´é§Ñ¹Õè Does anyone want girl, who only spread her legs wide? If have, please raise your hand?

Yesterday evening she starts talking to me:

Cousin: u know, I really want my bf to hold me and kiss me but he never do.

Me: why you have to wait him to do, if I wanted. And if it makes me happy, I?ll do it.

Cousin: I am a lady and would never do that because doing so is man job.

Me: ..??????..I don?t care, if I feel good I?ll do it.

Cousin: because u don?t have lady?s manner, that?s why.

Speechless again, well... I?m not doing that to everyone though. Anyway, I?m shy but shameless.

I always think that I?m a strong person but somehow insecurity pay me a visit once in a while.

I?m getting old every day and I?d like to spend the rest of my life with someone.

I don?t know when I?m going to die but before that time come, I want to be with someone that I?m happy to be with, to share and to give. I don?t know much but I know I want to be with him. I don?t know how to please people but for him I?d like to try?..

I?m not afraid of death but I afraid that I would never see him again.

Afraid to think that, how long am I going to wait? Forever?

What if he doesn?t exist?...... Oh I need DRUGS??¨Ò¡¤¹Ë¹éÒà»ëÃàËÅëà :D

haha..¤Ô´ä´é§Ñ¹Õè!!!

"raises hand*

Oh, yeah . . . she's gotta know how to iron my clothes, too!

I feel sorry for your cousin, because she thinks she can't kiss and hold her guy. That's no fun for her, and no fun for her guy too.

Hope things will work out the way you wish.

Well written Journal.

oh thats so sweet... good luck!

if you cancel your dates, it is normal that you stay alone

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<<<<< What if he doesn?t exist?...... Oh I need DRUGS??¨Ò¡¤¹Ë¹éÒà»ëÃàËÅëà :D >>>

Take some Rohypnol

i like what u wrote...good luck na ka

spread your legs wild open is a good start, but make sure, you can iron his clothes the rest of your life ;-)

Another great episode of "Sex in the City" by Soda with the beautiful mind

Hmm...Soda, there is someone for you for sure...don't worry...you will find one that you will love, or grow to love...dont worry if it doesn't bowl you over when you find a good guy...just let the feelings start slowly and naturally as you get to know each other...if all he wants is to slip between your legs...well...it may be fun for a while, but its not going to be the basis for your whole life...I'm amazed by your cousin...but I guess girls can be very blunt with each other...

Take care...and dont worry..I am sure "he exists"...

so why sip milk for 2 hours?

were you shy?,nurvous?, and needed something to hide behind?

Stop looking....and I bet they turn up.....

Many hands flew up in response to your rhetorical question.

Interesting journal as always Good luck na kha

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ironing? what is that ? hehe ...

"Does anyone want girl, who only spread her legs wide? If have, please raise your hand?"

many do , Soda ... but they do not know what the real love is

lady?s manner??? what is the standard of "lady?s manner"???

I am not a lady

Soda...I can learn you how to iron :-)

well you know how to find me lol and i have the best milk jing jing

I dont see how holding your bf's hand or kissing him makes you any less a lady. Your cousin thinking is a little silly to me. Just be yourself, and let someone accept you for the way you are.

i m an abitual reader of your journal.....if i was wonder at first time, now it s abitual for me to find 2 elements

1-somethink as a child who relate own dreams, own hopes

2- intelligence and wise minds

i didn t mean childish in my first point......but i mean something genuine, a pure soul, children never lie and they are honest and sweet

your mix is great

you will find (or you found in mr kiwi) a man who will love you all the life, you are not a woman for a season.

please don t care about ironing and a woman who drinks vodka isn t more nice of another who drinks milk.

the bullshits fly with first air, the soul of a person it s forever.....if you want make happy a man, be yourself and feel free to act in the way that you prefer.....men appreciate it in a woman

this is the only month you are away from Mr. Kiwi and already questioned about how long you have to wait ?

to get love isn't as hard as keeping it my dear ! ) Su SU~~

Just need to remind you....... spreading legs is ok but a good BJ is very important too!