kaunitz Posted June 19, 2011 Report Share Posted June 19, 2011 I agree! bishops must not be gay.But P'Iain you can,never mind 55555! I have to deliver one point! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
simply_oriental Posted June 19, 2011 Report Share Posted June 19, 2011 55555! I have to deliver one point! I assume that he's not here today to defense himself or send the creepy video at 2 am to all of us which i was the first one to watched that..i guess he is in a gay club some where...... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iBatch Posted June 20, 2011 Report Share Posted June 20, 2011 I have very high standards when it comes to who I go out with. I will only date a woman if she has a vagina. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CiaranM Posted June 20, 2011 Report Share Posted June 20, 2011 ''Celibate gay men could be bishops' '' That's disgusting... people wanting to be bishops. i'm a tad confused ... surely if u bugger an altar boy u r no longer celibate !! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stramash Posted June 20, 2011 Report Share Posted June 20, 2011 I assume that he's not here today to defense himself or send the creepy video at 2 am to all of us which i was the first one to watched that..i guess he is in a gay club some where...... Was too busy with the ouija board summoning some evil ghosts to haunt you... ; ) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teila Posted June 20, 2011 Report Share Posted June 20, 2011 Was too busy with the ouija board summoning some evil ghosts to haunt you... ; ) You didn't need a ouija board to do that! we already have one here on TF! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
simply_oriental Posted June 20, 2011 Report Share Posted June 20, 2011 Was too busy with the ouija board summoning some evil ghosts to haunt you... ; ) Make me fall down from the chiar P'Iain;) I can't wait Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
English_Bob Posted June 20, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 20, 2011 I used to work at McDonalds. I took an order out to a customer and said "Sorry about your wait" Apparently I was being "Fattist" and McDonalds fired me! ******* Customer... she was the fattist! My wife has packed her bags and gone - just because of my fetish with touching pasta. I'm feeling canneloni right now. Ryan Giggs today admitted to suffering from homesickness, saying that, even though he's happy in Manchester, he does Miss Wales occasionally. BBC Sport: All Black Donald signs for Bath. E-I-E-I-O! My girlfriend is fed up of my constant wordplay jokes. I asked her, "What can I do to stop my addiction?" She said, "Whatever means necessary." "No it doesn't," I said. I bet Jehovah's Witnesses have some good knock knock jokes... I've had a productive week - got a new kidney and managed to get rid of a faulty iPad. I was waiting at the bus stop when a fat woman waddled up. "When's it due, love?" I asked. "You cheeky bastard!" she spat. "The bus, chubby," I said. "Who'd want to **** you?" People at school said I'd never amount to anything. Then I invented an invisibility cloak. If only they could see me now... (and a nice comeback)... As I went to the bus stop, I saw a heavily pregnant woman there. "When's it due?" I asked. "Two weeks", she replied, with a lovely smile on her face. "Well I might as well walk then..." I said. BBC News: Child prostitution trial begins. I hope it works. Last night I came out of a nightclub and was approached by a Thai woman. She gave me a cheeky wink and said, "Blowjob, £20?" I said, "Yeah, alright," and lead her into the alley. I soon realised my mistake when she handed me two £10 notes and started pulling up her skirt. I used to love growing up with a dyslexic father. Whenever I swore, he'd wash my mouth out with soup. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stramash Posted June 20, 2011 Report Share Posted June 20, 2011 Make me fall down from the chiar P'Iain;) I can't wait Don't mess with the supernatural my dear... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
simply_oriental Posted June 20, 2011 Report Share Posted June 20, 2011 Don't mess with the supernatural my dear... You are supernatural spider man like this? Or like this? Or this? And This? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stramash Posted June 20, 2011 Report Share Posted June 20, 2011 No, preferably more like this... But answer me this; why do you get pictures taken before you put your make up on? ;-) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
simply_oriental Posted June 20, 2011 Report Share Posted June 20, 2011 You are good..You are good..Murmur..Murmur..Murmur That's before make up ..This after... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stramash Posted June 20, 2011 Report Share Posted June 20, 2011 You are good..You are good..Murmur..Murmur..MurmurThat's before make up ..This after... fibber. That's my ex. ;-) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stramash Posted June 23, 2011 Report Share Posted June 23, 2011 "Daddy, why is mum zig-zagging down the garden?" "Quiet son, I'm trying to aim." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stramash Posted July 19, 2011 Report Share Posted July 19, 2011 I sponsor a kid in africa who apprently has nothing and she keeps sending me photos of her family, then it crossed my mind the other day. Where the **** did she get a digital camera from. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alan675 Posted July 20, 2011 Report Share Posted July 20, 2011 Just £3 will buy water and food for a family in Africa. But don't let your heart rule your head. Tesco are doing 4 Stella for £2.99..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kaunitz Posted August 20, 2011 Report Share Posted August 20, 2011 God created the dog and said: 'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.' The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?' So God agreed. Then God created the monkey and said: 'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.' The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?' And God agreed. Then God created the cow and said: 'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.' The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?' And God agreed again. Thereafter God created humans and said: 'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.' But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?' 'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.' So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. Life has now been explained to you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kaunitz Posted September 6, 2011 Report Share Posted September 6, 2011 A recruit is on leave for the first time since his enlistment. His mother greets him, saying "Woow, how nicely dressed you are!" The son answers "Mom, that's my uniform!". Mom asks "Son, what do you have here on your belt?" The son answers "this is a handgrenade". "So what is this thing good for", the mother asks. The recruit pulls out the pin and throws the grenade in the barn. The barn blows up with a big bang. "Woow, how nice", the mother says, "and what is this here?" - "This is a signal rocket, mom, let me show you", and the son shoots it into the air. "Wooow, this is really beautiful", the mother says, "what a pity that dad cannot see this anymore!" - "So what's about dad?", the son asks and the mother answers "he was in the barn" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FarangFarang Posted September 7, 2011 Report Share Posted September 7, 2011 No, he said two black eyes, not two black guys. The setup of the joke tells itself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Admin_2 Posted September 7, 2011 Report Share Posted September 7, 2011 No, he said two black eyes, not two black guys.The setup of the joke tells itself. But nothing beats the real story. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kaunitz Posted September 15, 2011 Report Share Posted September 15, 2011 One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises their hand. The teacher says, "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?" Sally holds up her hand and asks "is it a giraffe?" "Very good Sally," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up their hands. "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?" Billy holds up his hand an d says, "It's a zebra." "Very good Billy," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students recognized the animal. "See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?" Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father." Little Johnny shouts out, "Is it a horny bastard?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
funky_house Posted September 16, 2011 Report Share Posted September 16, 2011 Sky news report. The Irish have joined in the attack on Libya . They sent in 3 ships - 2 full of sand and one full of cement..it was a mortar attack. The missus asked if she pleased me in bed? I said "yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth." . . . "What trick?" she asked? "The one where you shut up and go to sleep!" A geordie and a Yank aid worker are helping out in Japan Yank says, "You from round here, buddy?" "No," he replies, " Newcastle " "What State's that in?" asks the Yank?" "Pretty much the same as this f*cking place! An assortment of high powered weapons and a stash of drugs including cocaine, heroin and ecstacy have been found behind the Job Centre in Liverpool . The locals are said to be in a state of shock........;They had no idea they had a job centre! Stephen Hawking went on his first date in 10 years, and when he got back , his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees, Apparently she'd stood him up A man approaches a young woman in a shop. He says I can’t find my wife, can I talk to you for a few minutes? The woman says sure but do you have any idea where your wife is? Not a clue he says but whenever I talk to a woman with t!ts like yours she appears out of nowhere! My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger. It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles and my c*ck out, that I realised she wanted to rent her spare room out!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stramash Posted September 16, 2011 Report Share Posted September 16, 2011 I walked in last night to find a paramedic crouching over my wife. "Get your lips off my wife," I snapped pulling him off her. "But sir, I'm not kissing her!" He pleaded. "She's stopped breathing." "Do I need to repeat myself?" Was at a physics convention recently and some fella rolled over to me. "You're that genius Stephen Hawking aren't you?" I asked. His computer voice said: "Yes, I am. As you've got me alone for a minute is there any physics-related question you'd like to ask me?" He didn't much care for: "Can you do a wheelie?" I invited a girl to my house for dinner at 7pm tonight and she said, "Sure, if I'm late, just start without me." I don't think she understood - if I could cook it myself, I wouldn't have invited her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stramash Posted September 19, 2011 Report Share Posted September 19, 2011 Josef Fritzl, Putting the 'Ritz' into underground accommodation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
funky_house Posted September 20, 2011 Report Share Posted September 20, 2011 Theoretically and Realistically. A small boy says to his father "Dad, what's the difference between 'theoretically' and 'realistically'?" His dad thinks and then says "Right-ho son, go and ask your mother if she'd sleep with Wayne Rooney for a million quid." The boy toddles off and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would! She would sleep with Wayne Rooney for a million pounds." "OK son," says his dad. "Now go and ask your sister the same question.." The boy toddles off, and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would too!" So then his dad says "Right, son, now go and ask your brother if he'd sleep with Wayne Rooney for a million pounds." The son comes back excitedly saying "Dad! Dad! He said he would too!" "Well there you have it, son," said his dad. Theoretically we could be sitting on three million quid. Realistically we're living with two tarts and a poof." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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