Stramash Posted September 20, 2011 Report Share Posted September 20, 2011 As my wife and I lay in bed together, I felt the tension in the air. She then folded her arms and huffed, "You never make the first move", "Jesus!" I said as I rolled my eyes "Every night it's the same thing", "Well you don't!" she moaned "It's always me and quite frankly I'm fed up with it. And before you start, it's nothing to do with you being black", "It is" I said, "No, it isn't" she said, "You know what?" I said as I jumped out of the bed, "You can stick the ******* chessboard up your arse". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stramash Posted September 20, 2011 Report Share Posted September 20, 2011 Me and my wife were on a flight when she whispered in my ear, "Meet me in the toilet" I said, "What .. really?" She said, "Yeah, I'll go and get naked .. when you get to the door knock three times" She waddled off, gave me a wink and closed the door behind her. Immediately I called over the air stewardess and said, "Can you check my wife is OK? She's been in the toilet for some time" She said, "Of course I can sir" I said, "Er ... and she's a bit deaf so knock three times to make sure she hears you" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kaunitz Posted September 20, 2011 Report Share Posted September 20, 2011 She: Have you seen my broom anywhere? He: Why, are you going somewhere? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Solomon_Goode Posted September 21, 2011 Report Share Posted September 21, 2011 A man walks into a bar... Ouch!! What do you call a piano dropped down a mineshaft? - A-flat miner Booooo!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kaunitz Posted September 28, 2011 Report Share Posted September 28, 2011 A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.. The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'. 'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.' The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch this.' He told Sniffer to 'search'. Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm. The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land'. 'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man. Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm. The Policeman said, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.' 'I like it!' said his seat mate. The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to **** all over the place. The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the Policeman, 'What's going on ?' The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb...' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stramash Posted October 6, 2011 Report Share Posted October 6, 2011 Twenty years ago, we had Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. Now we have no jobs, no cash and no hope... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lizardo Posted October 7, 2011 Report Share Posted October 7, 2011 English weather has been officially categorized as Muslim: Partly sunni but mostly shiite Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StevieJR Posted October 7, 2011 Report Share Posted October 7, 2011 Twenty years ago, we had Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope.Now we have no jobs, no cash and no hope... And no 'Will 2 Live' after that joke.....must be a dead fuckin rapper called that surely... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kaunitz Posted October 11, 2011 Report Share Posted October 11, 2011 The teacher enters class and all the pupils are sitting nicely at their desks and noone is talking. So the teacher asks: "What happened? I've never seen this class that silent and neat before!" - So one pupil answers: "You recently said that you would drop dead immediately once we are not naughty!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stramash Posted October 11, 2011 Report Share Posted October 11, 2011 The teacher enters class and all the pupils are sitting nicely at their desks and noone is talking. So the teacher asks: "What happened? I've never seen this class that silent and neat before!" - So one pupil answers: "You recently said that you would drop dead immediately once we are not naughty!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kaunitz Posted October 19, 2011 Report Share Posted October 19, 2011 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
English_Bob Posted October 20, 2011 Author Report Share Posted October 20, 2011 Yingluck, Thai first female Prime Minister walks into a Bank to cash a check. As she approaches the cashier she says "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me"? Cashier: "It would be my pleasure madam. Could you please show me your ID"? Yingluck: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Yingluck, the Prime Minister of Thailand !!!!" Cashier: "Yes madam, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers, etc I must insist on seeing ID" Yingluck: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am" Cashier: "I am sorry but these are the bank rules and I must follow them." Yingluck: "I am urging you, please, to cash this check" Cashier: "Look Ms Prime Minister this is what we can do: One day Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful chip shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check. Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot whereas the tennis ball landed in my wastepaper basket. With that shot we cashed his check. So, Ms. Prime Minister, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the priminister of Thailand?" Yingluck stood there thinking, and thinking and finally says: "Honestly, my mind is a total blank~~~there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing, Just wait, let me call my brother" Cashier: "OK ma'am, that's proved who you are, would you like large or small bills? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stramash Posted October 20, 2011 Report Share Posted October 20, 2011 ‎"I bought some steroids, but they have some bad side effects. I've grown an extra penis!" "Anabolic?" "No, just a penis." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Admin_2 Posted October 20, 2011 Report Share Posted October 20, 2011 ‎"I bought some steroids, but they have some bad side effects. I've grown an extra penis!""Anabolic?" "No, just a penis." I had to say that out loud to get it. Not my day today. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stramash Posted October 20, 2011 Report Share Posted October 20, 2011 I had to say that out loud to get it. Not my day today. Dr Stramash prescribes 3 cold beers... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Admin_2 Posted October 20, 2011 Report Share Posted October 20, 2011 Dr Stramash prescribes 3 cold beers... That might happen a little later today. Might need to throw in some green and a hot bath. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
English_Bob Posted October 20, 2011 Author Report Share Posted October 20, 2011 Dr Stramash prescribes 3 cold beers... He's American... And Japanese... That could kill him! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stramash Posted October 20, 2011 Report Share Posted October 20, 2011 He's American... And Japanese...That could kill him! Oh that's right; give my nefarious plan away! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teddy Posted October 22, 2011 Report Share Posted October 22, 2011 I met a transvestite from Greater Manchester today. He had a Wigan address. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kaunitz Posted October 26, 2011 Report Share Posted October 26, 2011 Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it," he tells his wife, "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad, once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went." His wife sympathizes. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try?" "That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is 95 years old. He can't help." "He may be a 95," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect." So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law, "Did you see the ball?" "Of course I did," says the brother-in-law, "I have perfect eyesight." "Where did it go?" asks Arthur. "I don't remember." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teddy Posted October 27, 2011 Report Share Posted October 27, 2011 Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it," he tells his wife, "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad, once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went." His wife sympathizes. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try?" "That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is 95 years old. He can't help." "He may be a 95," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect." So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law, "Did you see the ball?" "Of course I did," says the brother-in-law, "I have perfect eyesight." "Where did it go?" asks Arthur. "I don't remember." Sheesh, another swing and a miss, thank god you don't play baseball. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stramash Posted October 29, 2011 Report Share Posted October 29, 2011 [TABLE=width: 100%] [TR] [TD]A young lad knocked on the door last night and said "Trick or Treat?" I says "What have you come as?" He said "A werewolf." I said "But you haven't got a costume on, you're just in normal clothes" He said "Well it's not a full moon yet is it, dickhead?" *****[/TD] [/TR] [/TABLE] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teddy Posted November 4, 2011 Report Share Posted November 4, 2011 I've just fostered a Muslim child, all 4 cans hit him on the back of the head. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stramash Posted November 4, 2011 Report Share Posted November 4, 2011 I've just fostered a Muslim child, all 4 cans hit him on the back of the head. so you drink pish as well as talk it? ; ) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kaunitz Posted November 4, 2011 Report Share Posted November 4, 2011 I've just fostered a Muslim child, all 4 cans hit him on the back of the head. Ah, but my jokes are bad, aren't they? It seems that I found my master in this discipline! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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