The substitute
Entry posted by soda ·
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On 14.11.08 at hospital, female doctor yelling at me for taking lots of sleeping pills as she look at my records. Males doctor gave me 2 mg of each tablet (10 tablets/ time) one gave me 2.5mg, but this female doctor mentioned that the pills just heal only end causes of illness so she gave 0.5mg, and said I have to heal myself by initial causes. The illness take place after Halloween day since I found out that Mr. Moll; who I planned to build up family with just keeps me as his substitute.
Castle in the air
In superficial I?m a bit flirt & playful, in fact I?m quite discipline, I have my goal and quite a happy & proud person but now felt like a flat tire. I have bought condo 62 sqm (2 bed 2 baht) which I paid 20K each month, construction will be completed mid 2009 to be with someone that i think i love. My plan for me & Mr. Moll that we going to build up family together, I draw a line so beautifully, and I ask if he has someone just tell so coz we can still be friends but he said he has no one. He acknowledged everything I said. And also said that maximum we?ll have 2 kids (1 boy & 1 girl) until 01.11.08 I call him all day and text him if he?s alright, he didn?t answer or reply. I call & text him again whole Sunday, I received a reply almost 8 PM; I realized that he with someone for 2 whole days. Coz I used to be there before, while being with him, I keep telling him to answer the phone but he said ?just leave it?. And now I?m the one who calling and someone else there. I hurt not becoz he got someone but lies; I wouldn?t bother for 2 whole days if he took half minute to reply, just say I?m busy.
And that make me can?t sleep since Sunday till Monday.
The state of suffering or trauma
The first degree
On Monday at work it?s not showing much alteration of my physical but inside so horrible. I'm less human and no sense of humor. Never think I?m a weak person like this, crying all day all night like 4 year old girl, my eyes sockets sore for 2 days and migraine really killing me
The second degree
On Wednesday 5.11.08 it affected to my physical I look horrible and the ugliest that I?ve ever seen, the more I put make up on, the more sloppy ***** I look. I hurt & lied to myself all the time and the plan that I drew a line it just my own imagination. Severe migraines made my left brain sector dead now and hope another sector still alive.
The third degree
On Saturday 08.11.08 chronic trauma turn to hypertensive, I was dizzy & wana puke so lay in bed until 3 PM. I was ill for whole week. At the same time got to listen to my cousins criticizing and advising of my own fault, I told them that ?you can say what you wanted but I?ll just listen coz I have my own answer already?. In fact, I don?t have any coz I don?t want to make any decision while I?m in a state of insecurity. My cousins always said that I like to compare men that I dated to him that?s why I never have real relationship, I do not compare but I have my own standard too.
How & why I loved Mr. Moll
Mr. Moll has strong personality, incredible sense of humor, always make me laugh, perhaps this is why he attracted to girls coz my brother also high sense of humor and he got loads of girls. Both of them might influence me in some degree but Mr. Moll has more than great sense of humor. I used to test him, see if his anger like but I?ve never seen that part at all. He can turn up tension to be fun incident. He tested me as well in so many ways. I remember once I said ?you are look like Phil Collin? he point a pronged fork at my throat made me withdrew my word immediately and when I said ?you look like Bruce Willis? he seems taller than he was 2 inches. We have so much in common, he has Wayne Rooney?s body but he keep fit well, same as me, and we are hard worker and high ambition, simple life style and so on.
Early of our date, Mr. Moll said ?you speak English in American accent, I don?t understand, you have to change or else I won?t talk to you? I tried hard to speak the same accent as him, after sometimes ago he said ?do you think you are Queen of England? You better speak Thai with me from now on coz u watch?Pride & Prejudice? too much u makes me wana puke?, and that make me awkward to speak for awhile. He has been living in Thailand for 15 years; but has only 1 friend, who came from London.
The firs broke up I beg him to stay friend for awhile and second broke up he just disappear and back again, said he would buy me pizza if I gave him a chance, even if he didn?t buy pizza I?ll give him chance and that time I found out his real hair color is not blond but reddish and the reason is in his country ppl like to make fun of the one who have reddish hair, I don?t remember what they call?, and 3 years ago he said he would marry me then he gone until we talked again the day I took a trip to Abu Dhabi. And that the started of old feeling return. Mr. Moll told me he has open new business and when I asked what kind of business he reply as ?its just a man ***** business?, somehow I think he open business for his girl that?s why he didn?t tell me what he does, if so, I just disappointed that I love a wrong guy.
Think of any romantic moment with him. Well, at first I thought he loves me coz the way he cook me, and clean dishes himself by not let me do anything even wipe his room, and that make me think he loves me but I was wrong the reason is my clumsiness, and one day we went to swim together he thrown his ring in the pool told me to find him a ring, I waited until the moon shine, radiate to the ring in the bottom of the pool then jump, dive to the pool bottom to get a ring. Thought I should be a person who thrown something in the pool since I?m a woman but somehow I thought God give me wrong gender.
I?m not a person who?s easily in love and I never thought I will but I?m sure it must have been love but I may not the one to him. I?ve done everything that one woman could do in her power for love and be love, and now I hope he found what he looking for?.
thinking of my last text to him on 03.11.08 as ?you are not deserve my love at all? his reply innocently as ?what have I done wrong? (I was really tired)?. Huh, They said we abuse ourselves more than ppl abuse us, that?s true, that's right. I used to believe that I can?t live without him but now.............first thing I should do is healing myself.
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