Childhood memories: home alone
Entry posted by soda ·
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I?ve promised to my dear friends sometimes ago, I?ll write about my childhood memories. and it's a time now..
I've caught a cow flu (May day, may day) but still alive. And I hope it?s not spread over internet here..hehe..
Hope you still love me after read....especially the youngest child?(don?t hate me because I love you 
)
I?m very busy recently so hardly active, not because I being call a hi class hooker that is nothing to me.
A home alone
I love to snuggling and cuddling people whom I like and now I thinking when was last time I did.
It was my third meeting with Mr. Kiwi. We were at Beer Garden. He was sitting and drinking his beer while I was snuggling him by putting my head on his shoulder and holding and kissing his cheeks and neck. I think he liked it but he was shy and said ?people looking?. I said? I don?t care because they don?t recognize me in day time?.
Thinking back when was my first snuggling and with who, and what made me like doing this.
Back in the past when I was between 09-20 years old I love snuggling my dad so much whenever he sat alone in the house I would snuggling and cuddling him with whining & moaning because I need attention. I tried to snuggling mom but she was yelling and shouting at me, saying how much I annoy her, so I prefer dad because he is calm and seem not bothered by what I do. I couldn?t stop thinking of why I love to do, so I tried to go back to my childhood to find out the beginning.
When I was 4-5-6 years old. In those days my family left me alone, and in rainy days everyone gone to farm. Except me who was being abandoned standing in a house. Watching the rain pouring down from the sky. After rain I went down to the ground looking for friends to play with, but none, even dog went to rice farm. So I look for any living things left instead. There were duck and its babies. I wanted to hold a duck?s baby but they not let me, coz they run too fast. Then I turn to a hen and her broods. I run to those chickens but the hen protected her kids by pinching me with her beak, and it was hurt. Then I walked to a small creek near by, standing in a mild stream just to feel water flowing through my legs. After that I walk about my house. There were lots of grasses and flowers in rainy season. I picked soft skin bugs and hold them in my hands until they died because lack of air.
My childhood was so lonely in day time because my parents and bro & sis come home late at night; sometimes I was so scared to be in the darkness alone. But the scariest thing is my dreaming, almost every night I dreamt of a vast meadow, forest and desert. And I was marooned in those places alone. I keep walking to find people and living things but found none. Sometimes I saw abandon town and sometimes I saw people, but no one I know and no one care, even to give me a glance. And sometime in my dreams I woke up, there is nobody at home they were gone. On some nights I suddenly woke up from nightmare and I climb down to sit by the edge of their feet until mom or dad awakens seeing me sitting, one of them would said ?why you sit there? come here, sleep. I climb back to where I sleep with my hand clinging at my dad?s arm, or I have to touch the human flesh, or else I couldn?t sleep at all. Some nights I wet my mat just to get attention from mom, even she shouting or yelling at me is better than being silent because I don?t like being alone, which causing nightmares??
And when I was adult kid, I turn to be a jealous person in everything that my young brother has. He got good food and what ever he wants, mom always give to him. That really angers me, once she made desert for my bro, she only gave me 2 spoons of desert. I planned to get revenge while everyone gone I saw mom hid desert at a top ceiling. I was climbed up to get it. Then I enjoyed the desert alone at first, I thought I would eat half of it, but when I think of my brother always get every thing. I decided to eat all, mom was angry and my brother cried and kicked me at the same time but I just sit still because I?m satisfied to see my young brother hurt.
Mom was angry and said ?I don?t understand why you are so greedy now; since you were young I left you only a fish tail?s grill, you never complaints?. Oh that hurt, how 4-5 year old kid could make such complain or care about what to eat. My childhood came back again in those days of waiting mom & dad back home. I can?t remember a fish tail?s grill at all, but the pictures that I had seen, was me walking into kitchen and looking for something to eat. Sometimes I found fish ferment (Pla-raa) and sometimes fish sauce that I could eat with sticky rice, but sometimes there was nothing left so I kept rolled sticky rice in my hands and sprinkle salt around before eaten. That is just instinct to survive by living things, when you hungry you would eat what?s left. Oh wait I remember mom gave me a bun of sticky rice and on top it was cat fish tail?s grill. It was the tasty food that I ever had, but where was the other part of the fish?
The more mom dislikes me the more I wanted to get revenge. When we were left alone it was time to bully my young brother, I?d make him scared of everything that I could. Sometimes I put a cloak over my body and make ghost sound to scare him, and sometimes I distort my face as if I?m a monster. I use to hate the youngest child when I was young. Not only my brother, but also other kids too. I would beat them myself if I had a chance or ordered other cousins to beat them for me.
Mid September two years ago before my birthday. My mom was regretting what she did in the past:
Mom: I was talked to your dad about how we ignored you in the past. We never care what you were eaten and how you live your life, that is sad.
Me: mom, mom please stop, I have forgotten all about it.
Mom awaked my childhood, and I was cried for 2 weeks questioning why mom telling me now.
Does she just understand life or learning something now?
I?m not angry at my mom. How could I? Look at her childhood, she were to school only to grade 2 because she had to take care of 5 young bro & sis. She got to do all of house work and other things. My granny was very cruel to mom. But look at my granny?s childhood was even worse than mom. She was starving and begging food in temple and neighbors. Moving from one place to another due to war and epidemic. (Granny died many years ago) I wonder about my previous ancestors, what would they be like? Stray?
I heard one of my friends say ?the reason that I?m being like this is because my parent?s poor, it?s their fault to be poor?. But I?ve never blamed my parents for being poor; even I am a product of poverty. Life is unfair, since the day we were born, but we can choose how to live, be and think.
My parents have 6 kids but only 4 have survived, I?m one of them. I considered myself lucky that I was still alive and survived in those tough times. I hurt people in my childhood. I used to hate youngest child and always thought they are the weakest human??. But now I?m crazy in love with a youngest child. (Shame!!) And I couldn?t help to think, is this what I have to pay for, by what I?ve done in the past?
It is good to remember some parts of childhood's lif, and when I look back. It always beautiful ..?
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