Stramash Posted May 17, 2011 Report Share Posted May 17, 2011 I have a body of an 18 year old. I hide it in the fridge. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bodai Posted May 17, 2011 Report Share Posted May 17, 2011 The US has released a list of the Porn found in Osama's house1 - Ramadan her throat 2 - Jihad a good time 3 - Martyrs of ass destruction 4 - Hide in my cave 5 - Twang my tali-banjo string 6 - Al show you my Qaeda 7 - Get it allah inside her 8 - Burqa ******* 14: All Allah, All Anal Priceless stuff Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stramash Posted May 19, 2011 Report Share Posted May 19, 2011 After watching the film Trainspotting we decided to make our son go cold turkey. No more drugs in the house, no more needles. Unfortunately it wasn't an effective cure for his diabetes. The funeral is on Friday. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iBatch Posted May 31, 2011 Report Share Posted May 31, 2011 A really sloppy drunk is draped over the bar. The bartender tells him, "OK, youve had enough. Im not going to serve you anymore, so get out of here and go home." The drunk leaves the bar. Ten minutes later the drunk comes back in through the back door. The bartender tells him, "I told you to go home, Im not serving you anything more, youve had enough, now go home." The drunk leaves again. Ten minutes later the drunk comes back in through a side door. Again, the bartender tells him, "Man, I told you, youre wasted. Im not serving you anymore, now go home, youve had enough." Again, the drunk leaves. Fifteen minutes later the drunk comes back through another side door. The bartender says, "What the hell is the matter with you? I keep telling you, youve had enough already, and Im not going to serve you anymore, now go home!" The drunk looks up at the bartender and asks, "How many places do you work at?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Admin_2 Posted May 31, 2011 Report Share Posted May 31, 2011 So a blonde is speeding down the road, and gets pulled over by a blonde cop. She ask her why she was going so fast, to which the driver replied, "Sorry, I was looking at my gas meter and I thought I was only going half speed." "Let me see your license," replied the blonde officer. The driver fumbles through her purse and can only produce a yellow credit card. The officer asks her for any ID with her picture on it. She fumbles through her purse again, pulls out a small mirror, looks at it, and hands it to the officer. The officer frowns, looks at the lady's mirror, and says, "Oh. You can go on your way. I didn't know you were also a cop." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iBatch Posted May 31, 2011 Report Share Posted May 31, 2011 Beer Testing Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense,became overly emotional, couldnt drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iBatch Posted May 31, 2011 Report Share Posted May 31, 2011 How they have sex... ACCOUNTANTS are good with figures. ACTORS do it on cue. ADVERTISERS use the "new, improved" method. AMBULANCE DRIVERS come quicker. ANSI does it in the standard way ARCHEOLOGISTS like it old. ARCHITECTS have great plans. ARTISTS are exhibitionists. ASSEMBLY LINE WORKERS do it over and over. ASTRONOMERS do it with Uranus. ATTORNEYS make better motions. AUDITORS like to examine figures. BABYSITTERS charge by the hour. BAILIFFS always come to order. BAKERS knead it daily. BAND MEMBERS play all night. BANKERS do it with interest - penalty for early withdrawal. BARBERS do it with shear pleasure. BARTENDERS do it on the rocks. BASEBALL PLAYERS make it to first base. BASKETBALL PLAYERS score more often. BEEKEEPERS like to eat their honey. BEER BREWERS do it with more hops. BEER DRINKERS get more head. BICYCLISTS do it with 10 speeds. BOOKKEEPERS do it with double entry. BOSSES delegate the task to others. BOWLERS have bigger balls. BRICKLAYERS lay all day. BRIDGE PLAYERS try to get a rubber. BUS DRIVERS come early and pull out on time. BUTCHERS have better meat. CBers do it on the air. CAMPERS do it in a tent. CARPENTERS hammer it harder. CARPET LAYERS do it on the floor. CHEERLEADERS do it with more enthusiasm. CHEMISTS like to experiment. CHESS PLAYERS check their mates. CHIROPRACTORS do it by manipulation. CLOCK MAKERS do it mechanically. CLOWNS do it for laughs. COACHES whistle while they work. COBOL PROGRAMMERS do it with bugs. COCKTAIL WAITRESSES serve highballs. COMPUTER GAME PLAYERS just cant stop. COMPUTER OPERATORS get the most out of their software. CONSTRUCTION WORKERS lay a better foundation. CONSULTANTS tell other how to do it. COPS have bigger guns. COWBOYS handle anything horny. COWGIRLS like to ride bareback. CRANE OPERATORS have swinging balls. CREDIT MANAGERS always collect. DANCERS do it in leaps and bounds. DEADHEADS do it with Jerry. DEER HUNTERS will do anything for a buck. DENTAL HYGIENISTS do it till it hurts. DENTISTS do it in your mouth. DETECTIVES do it under cover. DIETICIANS eat better. DIRECT MAILERS get it in the sack. DIVERS do it deeper. DOCTORS do it with patience. DRUGGISTS fill your prescription. DRUMMERS do it in 4/4 time. DRY WALLERS are better bangers. ELECTRICIANS check your shorts. ENGINEERS charge by the hour. EXECUTIVES have large staffs. FARMERS spread it around. FIREMEN are always in heat. FISHERMEN are proud of their rods. FOOTBALL PLAYERS are measured by the yard. FOUR-WHEELERS eat more bush. FURRIERS appreciate good beaver. GARBAGE MEN come once a week. GARDENERS have 50 foot hoses. GAS STATION ATTENDANTS pump all day. GEOLOGISTS are great explorers. GOLFERS do it in 18 holes. GYMNASTS mount and dismount well. HACKERS do it with fewer instructions. HAIRDRESSERS give the best blow jobs. HAM OPERATORS do it with frequency. HANDYMEN like good screws. HEWLETT PACKARD does it with precision. HORSEBACK RIDERS stay in the saddle longer. HUNTERS do it with a bang. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stramash Posted May 31, 2011 Report Share Posted May 31, 2011 As Sean Kingston lies in intensive care, the whole music industry has been shocked. How did the fat bastard get on a jet ski?! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stramash Posted June 8, 2011 Report Share Posted June 8, 2011 Emile Heskey (England) 59 caps, 7 goals. Rene Higuita (Colombia) 68 caps, 8 goals. Jose Luis Chilavert (Paraguay) 74 caps, 8 goals. Unlucky Emile, the other two are goalkeepers... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kaunitz Posted June 15, 2011 Report Share Posted June 15, 2011 (edited) A priest is sitting in his confessional waiting for "customers". A drunkard comes into the church and enters the cabin. Then - silence. After a while, the priest knocks at the little window between his place and the penitent's part. From there, a heavy tongue answers: "No need to knock, buddy, there's also no toilet paper on my side!" Edited June 15, 2011 by kaunitz Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stramash Posted June 15, 2011 Report Share Posted June 15, 2011 I went out into the garden and, to my horror, my wife was slumped on the grass. The dog had dug her up again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
English_Bob Posted June 16, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 16, 2011 I went to confession the other day. I got into the booth. To my surprise there was a padded massage chair, a bottle of gin, a jar of caviar, a box of expensive chocolates and an HD TV! I said to the priest, 'Wow, this has changed a lot since the last time I gave confession!' He said, 'Get out you fool! You're on MY side!' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CiaranM Posted June 16, 2011 Report Share Posted June 16, 2011 I went to confession the other day. I got into the booth. To my surprise there was a padded massage chair, a bottle of gin, a jar of caviar, a box of expensive chocolates and an HD TV!I said to the priest, 'Wow, this has changed a lot since the last time I gave confession!' He said, 'Get out you fool! You're on MY side!' no naked altar boy ?? times have changed !! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iBatch Posted June 16, 2011 Report Share Posted June 16, 2011 A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom. He found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep. Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her. Afterward, he hurried downstairs for something to eat and was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee. "Howd you get down here so fast?" he asked. "We were just making love!" "Oh my God," his wife gasped, "Thats my mother up there! She came over and complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for awhile." Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. "Mother, I cant believe this happened. Why didnt you say something?" The mother-in-law huffed, "I havent spoken to that jerk for 15 years and I wasnt about to start now! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iBatch Posted June 16, 2011 Report Share Posted June 16, 2011 The 5 questions most feared by men are: 1. What are you thinking about? 2. Do you love me? 3. Do I look fat in this? 4. Do you think she is prettier than me? 5. What would you do if I died? What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses. Question # 1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of course, is: " Im sorry if Ive been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following: a. Football. b. Golf. c. How fat you are. d. How much prettier she is than you e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died. Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!" Question # 2: Do you love me? The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include: a. Oh Yeah, sh@*-loads. b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes? c. That depends on what you mean by love. d. Does it matter? e. Who, me? Question # 3: Do I look fat? The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are: a. Compared to what? b. I wouldnt call you fat, but youre not exactly thin. c. A little extra weight looks good on you. d. Ive seen fatter. e. Sorry what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died. Question # 4: Do you think shes prettier than me? Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Incorrect responses include: a. Yes, but you have a better personality b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age d. Define pretty e. Sorry what did you say ? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died. Question # 5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question.(The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Lotus and a Boat"). No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines: WOMAN: Would you get married again? MAN: Definitely not! WOMAN: Why not - dont you like being married? MAN: Of course I do. WOMAN: Then why wouldnt you remarry? MAN: Okay, Id get married again. WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face) MAN: (makes audible groan) WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed? MAN: Where else would we sleep? WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her? MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do. WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs? MAN: She cant use them; shes left-handed. WOMAN: - - - silence - - - MAN: Sh&%. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stramash Posted June 17, 2011 Report Share Posted June 17, 2011 Whenever I masturbate in front of a mirror, I always wear a wig and lipstick...just so it doesn't get weird. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kaunitz Posted June 17, 2011 Report Share Posted June 17, 2011 (edited) Whenever I masturbate in front of a mirror, I always wear a wig and lipstick...just so it doesn't get weird. Why am I not surprised??? And I think this post is in the wrong thread - here, it's about jokes and not confessions! Edited June 17, 2011 by kaunitz Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
simply_oriental Posted June 17, 2011 Report Share Posted June 17, 2011 Whenever I masturbate in front of a mirror, I always wear a wig and lipstick...just so it doesn't get weird. P'Iian is gay. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kaunitz Posted June 17, 2011 Report Share Posted June 17, 2011 P'Iian is gay. Even self-gay :twisted: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stramash Posted June 17, 2011 Report Share Posted June 17, 2011 Just happy with my full length mirror... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stramash Posted June 17, 2011 Report Share Posted June 17, 2011 (no homo) :twisted: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CiaranM Posted June 18, 2011 Report Share Posted June 18, 2011 P'Iian is gay. and he throws gay hissy fits when ppl spell his name wrong also !! ;-) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StevieJR Posted June 18, 2011 Report Share Posted June 18, 2011 An Irishman walks into a bar He goes aaaoow ya bastard!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stramash Posted June 18, 2011 Report Share Posted June 18, 2011 and he throws gay hissy fits when ppl spell his name wrong also !! ;-) Only now and again Kieran... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teddy Posted June 18, 2011 Report Share Posted June 18, 2011 Only now and again Kieran... Queeran!!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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